Sticks and Stones... when our words really hurt us

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."  Proverbs 18:21

THORNS

The consequence of living in a broken world is that each of us has that one thing in our life that we struggle with.  Some call it a habit, addiction, annoyance, or sin.  Paul called it a "thorn" in his flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7).  My "thorn" is twofold--I have the innate desire to please everyone no matter what the consequences are, and I was born with my foot in my mouth--whatever is on my mind spills out before I have a chance to think.  I have spent most of my life battling my insecurity over what people think of me and trying to get control over what I say.  In some ways, I have a transparency about me in which what you see is what you get, yet there is another side of me that wants to withhold information so that I won't hurt someone's feelings or create conflict.  Both sides can get me into trouble from time to time.  In further reflection, I have come to the conclusion that pride and insecurity are the root of most sin and destructive behavior. My type of pride is not as easily identifiable because it hides like a wolf in sheep clothing behind a false sense of humility.   The covert and deceptive nature of this type of pride can actually be more destructive than the more obvious kind.  

A CULTURAL CRISIS OF WORDS

The "thorn" of words is not just a personal issue for me as I believe it to be a cultural norm across multiple generations.  We have become an exceedingly self-absorbed, me first, hands-off society that replaces personal relationships with our electronic devices.  We trade in our desire to bring goodwill to others for a "victim" mentality and a sense of entitlement.  These relationship flaws become magnified by communicating through text messages, emails, and social media.  I see it time and time again on Facebook and Twitter when fingers start doing the talking and we have no filter in what we say.  We push to extremes and forget that our actions and words can't be taken back once they are out there.  In communicating our frustrations and hurts in this manner, it also can lead to misconceptions and irreversible hurt emotions.  I have experienced firsthand how harmful this type of communication can be.

WORDS THAT HURT

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly."  Proverbs 15:1-2

I had a very painful experience a while back that was fueled by a text message.  I honestly didn't want to share this experience because of its personal nature, but when the Lord gets after me on a subject to write about, I can't get it off my mind until it comes spilling out.  After praying about it, I felt that He wanted me to write about my experience so I knew I had to do it because the words were burning in my spirit.  Here it goes:  Last spring,  I was feeling on top of the world with excitement and joy for my daughter who was graduating because I was finally well enough to be a part of events involving her graduation/college plans.   I was also beaming with pride for her beauty and accomplishments.  It was a bittersweet time because I was grieving the fact that she was no longer a child, and I missed out on many opportunities to be a part of her life outside the home as a result of my longstanding chronic condition.  Around the time of my daughter's graduation, my teenage son was infected with Lyme disease which added a tremendous amount of strain and worry for me.

Several events surrounding my daughter's graduation, family health issues, having a family-owned business, and various other factors left me in a tailspin of stress, lack of sleep, and exhaustion.  When I was at my most exhausted and vulnerable point, I was slammed with a startling turn of events.  I don't want to go into the full details, but it involved the loss of a longstanding friendship through a freak incident that couldn't have happened by chance.  At my daughter's graduation, I made a hasty comment in response to a question from a family member about a very dear friend from my past.  As soon as I made the comment, I realized my mistake and cringed inwardly for speaking without thinking; however, I decided to forget that it happened because I couldn't take it back.  My comment got back to her through a text message by someone who overheard the conversation.  She lives several hundred miles away and has only met a few of my local family members briefly while visiting from out of state so it never crossed my mind that she would find out.   

 A few weeks later, it all blew up in my face.  The entire story came out with a few text messages and emails, and all I can say is that the scenario was blown out of proportion by both of us and turned into a monstrosity that took on a life of itself.  I was completely blind sighted by it, and I did not know what exactly happened except it was like the "gossip game" gone wrong.  At that time, I was going on very little sleep, my son was at his worst point in his Lyme battle, and I had no physical or emotional reserve--the perfect storm for disaster!  I was angry, hurt, and devastated.  My rational thinking seemed to be impaired by exhaustion and stress; however, after I was able to get some rest and take a closer look at the situation, I could finally see it for what it was.  For a time, I was very grieved and blamed myself.  I repetitively told myself that my sin had finally caught up with me as I realized how careless words and an impulsive response to someone's anger could lead to such a disastrous outcome.  It was too late to undo the damage, and I couldn't think of any way to fix it.

WORDS THAT HEAL

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I was of a loss of what to do next, so I distanced myself from the emotional side of the situation and started praying about it.   From a worldly standpoint, I could have focused on all the ways that I was wronged and come up with a pretty good case at being a "victim" of someone else's actions, but instead I chose to forgive and turn to God's guidance in how I should respond moving forward.  I spent 3 months camped in the book of Proverbs, reflecting on wisdom versus foolishness and how they play out in our words and actions.  The word that stood out the most for me was the word "heart."  Our attitudes, emotions, and words spill out of what is on our "hearts."   I began making lists of what the book of Proverbs say about our hearts and our words as well as wisdom, foolishness, pride, and humility. During that time, I had started an apology letter, initially trying to justify and/or explain my actions by sugarcoating it with Bible verses and meaningless Biblical rhetoric.  That wasn't going to cut it.  It seemed like God was calling me to the carpet.  Every time, I tried to either bring up my hurt or come up with an excuse for what happened, He gently reminded me to take the giant plank out of my own eye and face the music for what it was.  I had to address the fact that I indeed had a "heart" problem and I was the one who sinned in being careless with my words.  I knew that it wasn't just a one-time incident either.  My "foot in the mouth" habit was a problem I didn't know how to deal with.  I essentially needed to eat an enormous slice of humble pie in order to move forward.  

My husband and daughter both thought I was being too hard on myself and asked me to stop beating myself up.  They recognized that I was sincere in how I felt; however, they told me I needed a healthier perspective.  Although I wanted to change my habits, I had to accept a little grace as well.  It took me almost five months to write that letter before I felt like it was an honest reflection of my heart that expressed what needed to be said.  I wish that I could say that writing the letter magically fixed the situation, but life doesn't work that way and this story is far from being concluded.  The hardest part is waiting, healing, and trusting God.  Although I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I strongly believe there is a reason.  Something like this doesn't just happen by chance.  Maybe it was the only way that God could get my attention.  Maybe it was His way of giving me a character makeover.  I am certain that there is more reasons than I can see right now as to why and how it happened, but I know it is a part of the story of faith the Lord is writing on my heart and the hearts of the others who were involved in the incident.  I may not know the reason or outcome on this side of heaven; however, I must have faith that God is sovereign and that He has a divine plan that will totally come together and make sense to all of us one day.

THE LIVING WORD

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."  Psalm 51:10

It is funny how God speaks to us through so many venues.  During my process of discerning my actions through the lens of God's word, there were several sermons from our church that seemed to fit perfectly into where I was at wrestling through my faith.  This happened  last November when I was feeling grieved about my "thorns."  I came across a sermon from my pastor that gave me hope as it reflecting on Ephesians 4:17-22 which talks about the fact that we are a new creation under Christ.  I don't have to accept my old self anymore but just trust that Christ will work it out through me.  Does that mean that I suddenly stop sinning?  No way!  As soon as I feel too comfortable in my own skin,  I miss the entire point and can turn my perceived righteousness into a Pharisee sort of pride.  Putting the new self on, is a daily humble walk with God in which I recognize my "thorns" for what they are.  I must ask the Lord to help my unbelief and walk with me as I face both the beautiful and ugly aspects of my life.  Hopefully, in small incremental steps I can move forward and some day look back and see how changes were made in my character for the better.  For now, I am simply trying to accept me for who I am, a child of God.  As God continues to help me along, I am sure I will still need plenty of "gentle reminders" and a few "wake-up calls" here and there.

STICKS AND STONES (...picking up the pieces)

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefor I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

My personal struggles have provided opportunities to overcome some of my insecurities.  Out of my physical, financial, and relationship losses, I have given up certain expectations and learned to trust God.  When I lean on the Lord, He likes to build me up out of my greatest weakness and help me to move forward in my walk of faith.  Unfortunately, it is a lifelong process that doesn't change overnight.  When we are experiencing our weakest and most vulnerable moments, personal insecurities and unpleasant habits like to sneak up on us requiring a tremendous amount of grace and repentance on our part.  The old phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is false to the core.  Our words can bring on a life of its own and cause more damage than the deadliest weapon.  Thank the Lord, we have the "Word that Become Flesh" to restore our harmful words and actions.  God can turn around the ugliest situations for His purpose and glory.  

A Redemptive Melody : Aaron's Story

In Loving Memory of Aaron Bixler:  1995-2015

Four years ago, Pennie Bixler, founder and Leader of the Sammy's (Strength Among Many Ministry) shared on her Facebook timeline that her heart was burdened with a desire to spend the day in prayer, and she asked for specific prayer requests.  I asked for her to pray for a school friend, a war Veteran, who had just ended his life as result of a longstanding battle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Neither of us could have imagined that a week and a half later, Pennie's own beloved son, Aaron, would also give in to his battle with depression with similar tragic results.  News of Aaron's death rocked our church with sorrow and disbelief.   I didn't personally know Aaron, however, my spirit was deeply moved for the Bixler family as his sister, Bridgette, has been a friend and mentor to our teenage daughter, Annika.  There are just no words to adequately express such grief  in these circumstances.

When the Lord placed it on my heart to write about Aaron's story a year or two later, I felt humbled yet uncertain as to how I would go about this endeavor, as I felt absolutely unworthy to be entrusted with something so precious as this beautiful soul that was cherished by family and friends.  When I approached Pennie for an interview, she didn't hesitate and graciously agreed to share both her own testimony and the circumstances around her son's life and death.  I wrestled with this subject for a couple of years with a desire to give it justice, yet waiting for the Lord's prompting to put together this very personal account.  As much as I would like to tie the story together in a pretty package of victory and healing, it would be unfair to gloss over the sorrow that a family is experiencing as a result of such a tragic loss; as Pennie has shared with transparency over her personal struggle, it doesn't get easier over time.

THE BALLAD OF AARON BIXLER'S LIFE AND LEGACY

Aaron was born on October 15, 1995 to Mike and Pennie Bixler in Milwaukee, WI.  They gave birth to his younger sister and best friend, Bridgette, a little more than a year later.  The Bixler family moved to Hudson, WI from the Eau Claire area in 2005, and they have been actively involved in the Faith Community Church.  Aaron graduated from Hudson High School in 2014 and later attended the University of Wisconsin, La Crosse, where he majored in Computer Science.  Aaron could be described by his family as an introvert with wisdom beyond his years.  He was a shy and quiet young man, a very deep, logical thinker.  Aaron was most known for his big heart, love for Christ, and his enjoyment of outdoor activities such as hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, and exploring.

Aaron's mom, Pennie, frequently initiated a game to coax smiles and outbursts of laughter from her son, a game she most often would win with her "silly antics!" Pennie and Aaron often enjoyed going to the movies together.  Sometimes the movie they saw together seemed to be somewhat corny, like the time they went to see the movie "Warriors Way" and later joked that nothing could be as bad as "that movie."  To this day, Pennie celebrates Aaron's birthday by going to a movie that he would have liked, "It is my tradition."

Aaron and his sister, Bridgette, were very close.  Their friends referred to them as "Bix" and "Little Bix."  Bridgette truly admired and looked up to her big brother.  He loved traditions, and one of his favorite traditions was making his little sister's birthday special.  He would spend an "obscene amount of money" on a puzzle box that was difficult to open and put her birthday gift inside of it.  The last time they celebrated Bridgette's birthday was a few weeks before Aaron's death.  He insisted on placing relighting sparkler candles on her cake.  Aaron took great pleasure in teasing his sister.  Their relationship was very personable and special.

Aaron was beloved by friends and family alike.  His unique qualities of compassion, intelligence, and seriousness mingled with a bit of mischief and quirkiness were much enjoyed by all who knew him well!

THE REFRAIN OF AARON'S BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION

Aaron did have a dark side that most did not know about except perhaps a close friend or two.  His family did not realize the full depth of his battle with depression as they considered him to be a quiet, introverted kid, and he never shared his deepest feelings with them.  After Aaron's death, his parents asked to see his medical records which they did not have prior access because he was considered an adult.  Upon reading these records, they were shocked to discover that he had suicidal ideations since the age of nine.  Aaron was a very well behaved and compliant young man.  Pennie recalls, "He never drank or did drugs.  It made it more tragic in a way but also relieved some of the guilt."  The Bixlers were exceedingly sorrowful that they did not know that he was struggling with suicidal thoughts, "I wish I heard the word from his mouth.  We would have taken action in a heartbeat.  He would still be here, I promise you."

THE CANTICLE OF GRIEF

On the afternoon of Wednesday, April 8, 2015, Aaron, a college student UW La Crosse, showed up unexpectedly at the Bixler home with an excuse that he needed to pick something up for school.  Pennie recalls all  the small details of that last moment of seeing her son alive--loving exchanges, and telling him she loved him.  The next evening, they received a call that their abandoned truck was found at a local gun club.  No one can prepare someone for the confusion, shock, and despair Mike and Pennie experienced when they were called to the scene.  It was the most shocking moment of their lives, something you don't forget and are incapable of resolving on your own.

Pennie described her grief as a "wicked battle" involving  5 stages--"denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."  She reported that she didn't go through them in the typical order--and skipped some stages all together-- which confused and frustrated some well-meaning friends and family members who wanted to help.  The Bixlers tried to work through their grief and anguish, finding that most self help books were not at all helpful.  She described most of them as "guilt inducing" as they primarily focused on identifying the signs of suicidal thoughts so the individual can get the help he or she needed, which didn't help their situation at all.  She found that "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis was the only book that spoke to their specific circumstances, even though it was not written for survivors of suicide at all.  Pennie recalls in dealing with her grief, "There were two topics I have struggled with and could not let go until I had answers.  I was confused about God's sovereignty and how I could 'suffer well' in light of this situation." For Pennie and her family, it came down to redemption.

THE CHORUS OF A REDEEMING VOICE

"If God is for us, who can be against us?  We who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charges against God's elect?  It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn?  Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  ... For, I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love God in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8:  31b-35a, 38-39.   

Redemption seemed at first to be an unusual word choice to describe the events surrounding Aaron Bixler's death; yet as I listened to a podcast of his memorial service on our church website, that was exactly the word that God pressed into the sermon pastor Tim Prince so beautifully and tactfully expressed as he reminded family and friends that Aaron's life was ultimately redeemed by the blood of Christ shed on the cross.  Nothing can change this reality just like nothing in all of creation could separate Aaron or his family from the love of God in Christ.

 Christ's redeeming love was the only song that could pierce through the insurmountable fog of sorrow and despair as Pennie describes, "If you don't have Jesus, you don't make it through things like that as a married couple.  You don't make it through sane.  You don't make it through without feeling sorry for yourself.  You don't make it through without being mad at God, bitter, withdrawn, giving up, and feeling suicidal yourself.  But Jesus has overcome the world and He has worked this to make me more Christ like for my own good."

The Bixlers fought hard through their confusion, pain, grief, and hurt to seek redemption.  In the process, they found themselves truly humbled and changed by these unthinkable events.  Pennie admits it doesn't make the pain or grief easier over time; however, they have a renewed perspective in how they look at life itself and they are less prideful because of it.  "If we allow Christ into our battles, He will fight with us and for us.  We are changed even when our situation doesn't."

Mike and Pennie Bixler had Proverbs 3:5-6 engraved on Aaron's tombstone, 

a verse that guided them to trust in Christ's redemption power and love for their precious son

SHARING THE SONG

Pennie is now a Biblical Counselor and works to use her own experiences to help others in despair.  She is troubled when people comment that teens who say the want to commit suicide are doing it to get attention as a means of manipulation, and she urges adults to always take those statements seriously as "it is better to be safe than sorry."  When Pennie counsels those who are struggling with grief, despair, and suicidal thoughts, she encourages them to speak scripture out loud which is a powerful tool.  She has five steps that she gives counselees who describe having suicidal thoughts, asking them to promise to follow them whenever these thoughts arise.

Step 1:  Cry out to God and verbally ask him to help you overcome the desire to harm yourself.  Say out loud, "1 John 4:4 tells me I am God's child so the enemy will not win the fight because 'He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.'"

Step 2:  Recite OUT LOUD Psalm 116:5-9, "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.  The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.  Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.  For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." 

Step 3:  Connect with at least one of three people who care about you (she will make a list of names for her counselee to get in touch with).

Step 4:  If you are suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or the National Hopeline Network for help (numbers listed below).

Step 5:  If you still feel suicidal, have somebody take you to the hospital or call 911 and tell the operator you are suicidal and in danger if no one is around to take you.

Pennie urges individuals who battle suicidal thoughts to follow all these five steps, and she can testify that these steps do save lives and have greatly helped some of her most vulnerable counselees when battling suicidal ideation.  Her mission is to help as many people as possible to avoid the same outcome as her son.  With Christ's help and the right resources, there is hope.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."  Psalm 40:2

RESOURCES 

If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts please contact these hotlines which are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week:

National Suicidal Prevention Lifeline:  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

National Hopeline Network:  https://www.imalive.org/
1-800-78-SUICIDE (1-800-748-2433)

For more information about Christ's redeeming love that surpasses death, you can listen to the Eulogy given by Pastor Tim Prince at Aaron's funeral:  https://www.fcchudson.com/sermons/aaron-bixler-memorial-service

For more information about Pennie's personal testimony and the Sammy's ministry you can read my other blog article:  http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2018/05/pennies-song-part-1-fragmented-and.html

Pennie's Song: Fragmented and Transformed

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank him."  Psalm 28:7  

Our lives are songs composed by the breath of our Creator who purposes each stanza woven perfectly by His divine melody. The life melodies of some of us are soft, sweet ordinary tunes, while others wow us with their more elaborate compositions.  For Pennie Bixler, the melody of her life has been designed a complex and beautiful mixture of a haunting ballad mingled with the redeeming song of transformation and courage.  Known as a mid-western wife, mother, writer, ministry leader, and gorgeous blond who loves adventure/getting into mischief, and is on a quest for finding hearts in ordinary objects to remind her of Jesus's love, Pennie is anything but ordinary!

Pennie resides in Western Wisconsin with her husband of twenty five years, Mike, and their dog, Angel.  They have a daughter, Bridgette, who attends college in Southeast Minnesota, and a son, Aaron, who lives in heaven.   Pennie is the founder of a ministry known as Sammys (Strength Among Many Ministry), which has been in existence for eighteen years and has chapters across the state of Wisconsin and North Dakota.  Sammys is also hoping to take off in other states such as Florida and Minnesota.  Pennie would like to expand her ministry to unite women in creating a deeper relationship with Christ across the nation.  In addition to leading Sammys, Pennie is also a Biblical Counselor where she enjoys seeing God move in people's lives, transforming them to be more like His Son, Jesus Christ.

An outsider may perceive the Bixler family as having an ideal life of love, laughter, adventure, and the perfect model of Christian living.  Pennie would be the first to say that it is far from the truth.  "I'd like to say we have lived happily ever after, but the Bible isn't a fairy tale.  In fact, Jesus says that we will have trials in this world.  Thankfully Jesus also says that He has overcome the world, because I have had some major trials since I have become a Christian!"

A FRAGMENTED LULLABY

"You keep track of all of my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You recorded each one in your book."  Psalm 56:8

Pennie describes her childhood being full of heartache and painful memories.  With being the second to youngest of five children, she looks back on her attempts to stand out and be noticed at a young age.  "I was a four year-old girl, a hypochondriac like many little girls my age, limping on a foot that I bumped ever-so-lightly on a chair and moaning.  When my sister told me I bumped the other foot, I switched to limping on the other foot. I was that little girl."

As a child, Pennie was sexually molested, which later on led her to dabble into drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol.  "I have had a potty mouth, been promiscuous, and done many things in which I was ashamed.  I have not only sinned, but felt like the poster child for other people's sins.  I have broken every commandment in spirit or deed."

Pennie was a broken woman living out the fragmented lullaby of her youth, and she entered into an abusive relationship with her previous husband who she married at the age 20.  Her first husband was an alcoholic.  "I needed a Savior to deliver me not only from my sins, but also from the destruction that others' sins have poured out on me.  There was a point, married to an abuser, that I was just numb.  My tears had dried up, and I wasn't really affected by my horrible life anymore.  It just... was."

A SONG OF REDEMPTION

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.  The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.  Return, O my soul to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.  For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living."  Psalm  116:5-9

Pennie's marriage continued to turn a downward spiral as her first husband was having an affair with another woman and the abuse became so severe, it was life-threatening.  She was in a dire situation and desperate for a way out.  An unexpected encounter instigated the hope and redemption she needed to be set free from not only her abusive marriage but her own tragic and sinful past.

Pennie was hired to paint a mural of Noah's ark on the wall of a church's nursery.  Little did she know that the church had been praying that anyone who came through their doors would come to know Jesus, and that was where it all began.  Pennie came to know the pastor's daughter through a divine series of events, and they became best friends.  She started attending church and hung onto every word the pastor spoke, taking voracious notes.  Her friendship with the pastor's daughter and the word of truth that was delivered to her hungry soul renewed Pennie's tattered heart.  "I saw myself through her eyes as God would see me for the first time!  I already knew that Christ died for my sins and I felt responsible for His suffering, but I never knew he was coming back!  Those parts of the Bible fascinated me and I couldn't get enough.  It was in that church in the middle of nowhere that I accepted Christ about five times, just to make sure it 'stuck.'  My friend and I were ironically baptized in Lost Lake."

Pennie's song of redemption completely turned her life around and gave her the courage to leave her abusive marriage.  One night, she called and gave him an ultimatum over the phone.  Pennie stayed at her friend's house when he threatened her and told her what he was going to do to her when she came home.  She never went back and ended up getting a divorce.   As a born again Christian, Pennie embarked on a new path when she began dating a godly man from her place of employment. They eventually married and started a family of their own.  In these circumstances, she witnessed God's goodness.  The Lord was capable of redeeming her life and restoring her pain by transforming all that was marred and shattered into a beautiful image of His likeness.

THE BALLAD OF SUFFERING

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."  James 1:12

The Bixler family was the picture of happiness with two beautiful children and a marriage united under the blessings of Christ's love.  If Pennie thought that being a Christian meant that everything would be perfect and harmonious and she would finally be spared the pain and suffering of her youth, she would taste the bitter pill of reality one day when she noticed tingling in her feet.  What started out as a joke that her socks were too small became a greater concern when the tingling began to spread.  "Mike and Aaron went on a trip that morning, and when I went to church, I felt the tingling go up my entire right leg.  It was like the outside of my whole leg fell asleep.  I touched it and couldn't feel it.  I remember singing worship songs and a tear falling because I figured the next time I would be singing these songs would be in heaven with the angels.  Something was really wrong, but I did what I always did.  I told nobody."

The following day Pennie noticed that the numbness and tingling spread, and she could not feel half of her body from her feet to her face.  She could move everything but couldn't feel anything.  This was very alarming for Pennie and she told herself she didn't have time to deal with these unusual symptoms.  "I had too many things to do.  I was making cards for soldiers with my friend and our daughters and I was taking Aaron into GameStop so he could get Bridgette a game she wanted for her birthday.  What kind of mother would I be if I didn't encourage that kind of loving behavior from a brother to a sister?"

Pennie did open up to her friend while they were making the cards, and the friend convinced her to call the clinic to make an appointment.  They insisted that she come in later that day at dinnertime which gave Pennie a chance to take Aaron in to get his sister's game beforehand.  When they were on their way to the store, she called her husband Mike to ask him to make supper and then mentioned what was going on with the numbness.  Needless to say, Pennie got a scolding from her husband for not letting anyone know.

Pennie told the doctor that she thought she either had a pinched nerve or had a stroke but "obviously it's over."    The doctor explained to Pennie why it couldn't be possible to have a pinched nerve or stroke that would cause the type of numbness she was experiencing and asked her to come in the next morning for an MRI.  When she went back for the results, Pennie brought a friend along but wanted to face the doctor alone.  Her gut instincts told her it wasn't going to be good news.  Pennie connected with her doctor immediately and felt reassured to find out she was a Christian.  They prayed together while waiting for the radiologist report.  At that appointment, Pennie's life was changed forever when the report came back with lesions on the brain and a diagnosis of MS which was verified through a lumbar puncture and other less invasive tests.  The news was devastating for Pennie and her family but God would see them through.

"Since that time, I have been humbled over and over again.  I thought it was the end of the world when I had to give myself weekly injections.  Then, I thought it was the end of the world when I had to do it three times a week.  When I lost sight in part of my eye, I thought that was going to be the beginning of blindness, but my sight came back.  The difficulties seem to be progressing in difficulty, but each time God brings me through a physical ailment, it strengthens my faith and I am less concerned about the present one I am facing.  Having pain every day has made me strong.  When I am weak, I am strong.  I get that verse in a way I have never understood before.  Being brave and not a complainer is not as easy as it sounds."   

TRANSFORMED INTO A NEW SONG

"Make a Joyful Noise to the Lord:  Oh sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things!  His right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him."  Psalm 98:1

The music of Pennie Bixler's life verse has orchestrated a beautifully complex composition of heartache, courage, and redemption.  Pennie now uses this composition to reach out to others through Biblical Counseling and her Sammys ministry.  "I think the thing that helps me to be approachable and relatable to those I counsel is the fact that I can make most people feel at ease.  It is not because I am super friendly or comforting, but because there is not a lot that I can't relate to."  

God's sovereignty has been a life-lesson in playing out this composition.  She calls the "big wild card" in His sovereignty trusting the Lord.  Pennie trusts that God is who He says He is, a loving and compassionate God who loves his children.  "There is a verse that is taken out of context very often that says 'And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.' (Romans 8:28).  We have made that verse to mean that all the bad stuff that happens to us will magically knit itself together to make a pretty package of blessing for us and we will get the treasure trove wrapped in a pretty bow at the end.  Many of us don't realize that the word 'good' is translated as 'Christ likeness'  not 'excellent quality', 'morally excellent', or 'righteous.'  All those things we are enduring, God works together making us like Christ."

Living in the light of God's sovereignty has transformed Pennie's song into a mission to point others to the one who loves her despite her sinful past and all the suffering she has endured. "Every hardship I've endured is not necessarily one I would choose for myself.  Many of them, I'm pretty sure God didn't choose for me, either, but He has worked them together to make me more like His Son.  I am so grateful that good has come from them.  My personal mission is to shine the light of Jesus in everything I do.  When somebody sees me, I want them to see Jesus.  If they don't know me, I want them to notice that something is different about my heart.  I don't want to point to myself, but to Jesus.  My ministry mission is to reach the St. Croix Valley women and teach them to have close, holy relationships with Christ and each other, and that God would be glorified through it."

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:  Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.  Now to the king eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen." 1 Timothy 1:15-17 (Pennie's life verse)

To learn more about the Bixler family testimony:
http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2019/04/a-redemptive-melody-aarons-

For more information about the Sammy's ministry, you can visit their website:  
story.htmlhttps://www.sammysinc.org/about/

The Dare Part 2: Dare to Truth and Love, a Response to Social Unrest in Our Culture

THE REDEEMING SEASON

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace."  Ephesians 1:7

Recently, I have entered a season of redemption, gaining ground in my life and pursuing God's purpose.  In the first part of this "Dare" series, I explored the transforming power of God in my life as a social activist who was literally called out by God to transcend my worldly aspiration for activism into a desire to serve Him.  I have sensed His calling me to take a stand for the truth on some controversial topics.  The truth treads on dangerous ground and yet is redeeming and freeing at the same time.

About a year ago, I experienced God's prompting to pray more specifically for our country and some of the social issues we have been facing.   With the impending election, I felt troubled and was compelled to spend time on my knees petitioning on behalf of our nation.  Since then, I have experienced an increased desire to keep up to date on political and social issues of our time.  The presidential election and social responses to it has stirred up a myriad emotions across all social and political realms.  When I turn on the TV and social media, I have seen a tremendous amount of global and national unrest.  Global violence and rioting has been on the rise with concerns about terrorism, displacement of communities, persecution, martyrdom, oppression, sex trafficking, and deadly uprisings. National partisan divisions are intense when it comes to issues like political affiliation, women's health, abortion, immigration/refuges, social injustice, and race. I have witnessed differences of opinion across the board, including in the Christian church--differences that has the potential to bring division in the church body.  I have attempted to analyze these issues from various points of view and pray about all sides of this spectrum of controversy.  Our society is becoming more polarized in views, and it seems easy to jump to conclusions without getting all the facts.  In light of these events, I felt a burning desire to write about my perception on these issues, something I never dared to do before.  This Spring, KTIS Faith Radio was conducting their annual writing contest in which they were seeking stories about the issue of justice.  I felt compelled, even dared to write about global and national unrest, and this was my response.

DARE TO TRUTH AND LOVE

TV’s, smart phones, and laptops are tuned into the social unrest for the realities we engage from our modern technology lens of our worldview perception. The global nations rant, calling for blood and disunion.   A world devastated by terrorism, martyrdom, trafficking, and oppression.   A chaotic crowd of declarations screaming for social justice and change.  Our culture fractured for the encounter of division and detestation, riots and rage.  A culture of shattered voices tearing at the fabric of a fallen world unhinged by angst and indignation.  We are marginalized, dehumanized, demoralized, socialized, culturized, and polarized until some know not what we are fighting.  How do we speak hope to a nation divided by a realm of social media and misconceived realities?  How do we ascertain truth and justice from this maze of chaos for opposing views?  To prayerfully consider the articulate perceptions of all sides, by seeking truth and justice and by ignoring the name-calling polarizing rhetoric, I have come to the conclusion that our nation is hungry for restoration.  The balm for national offenses and bitter wounds calls for the Gospel to break through these collective walls and tear down our chaotic convictions for a level playing field built up by a Redeeming Grace that is foreign to worldly pursuits.

Heavenly mercies are the paradox for surpassing cultural and national dissention reformed by Sovereignty and Divine Purpose.  The God who calms the storm and stills the disorder calls out His children to be set apart for His purpose.    For our battle is truly not for “flesh and blood” and requires a converted armor of words that hold the sword power to pierce and redefine change by infinite wisdom and truth.   The battle is won only on our knees with hearts aligned with the unquenchable fire for God’s plans to be set in motion.  Let us bring out a new culture of Calebs, Daniels, Esthers, and Pauls; men and women brave enough to face their giants and bring about spiritual reformation in light of truth and mercy for “such a time as this.”  Turn our rage into “Damascus experiences”-- to emerge from the blinding, life-altering, and transcending call for justice and humble union with the Divine.  “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8)

Our pursuit for justice, kindness, and humility comes down to two things, Truth and Love!  These words are dangerous to a chaotic world of factions and partisan rifts.  It is a dare for all brave enough to rise above the frenzy and take a stand for the One who can truly redeem broken hearts and serve justice.  Dare to seek out the truth, the ultimate truth, even if it changes everything we once stood for—“and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).  Dare to unfold the truth in the founding of our nation in its pursuit for justice and religious freedom.  Truth in our history of oppression and social battles for justice and integrity.  Truth for the lies our culture breaths to achieve distorted agendas. Truth for the Love that surpasses all these realities and brings social change for the Purpose of the Divine.  Dare to love, fiercely and unconditionally, even if it costs us everything we once held onto—“above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8-9).   Dare to love the weary and the oppressed.  To love the old man lost in a haze of forgotten memories.  To love the child marred by abuse and disease.  To love the shattered woman who walked out of the abortion clinic, leaving behind a piece of her soul.  To love the refuge torn from her very livelihood to be displaced and traumatized.  To love in God’s name by His unending mercies and grace.

We are all really broken people, sojourners in a fallen world, trying to make it the best we know how, marked by the realities of sin and disappointment.  Ultimately, we are redeemed by God’s love that abounds and calls us out of our fragmented lives to bind ourselves to His steadfast love and mercy.  The nations are shaken by His Redeeming Love when we embrace the hope and the humbleness that the Redeemer has called us to serve and offer “these little ones even a cup of cold water”(Matthew 10:24).  When we pay it forward and sacrifice some of ourselves to fill the divide with truth and love, ultimate life-altering justice and social change transpires one merciful act at a time.  Although we cannot ourselves change the climate of our culture or its social unrest, by God’s grace and power, we are resurrected into a new culture of life changers and power breakers, and His miraculous splendor emerges for those who are transformed by this dare!

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (Romans 8:37-39)

DARE TO EXAMINE THE HEART  

NFL player, Benjamin Watson expresses his perception that overcoming racial division and social unrest starts with the heart!

For more information about my perception on social issues, you can read the first part of the "Dare" series:  http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2017/05/the-dare-part-1-dare-for-redemption.html

The Dare Part 1: The Dare for Redemption, a Perspective on Diversity and Women's Issues

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven,"  Ecclesiastes 3:1

Our lives are marked by seasons and eras in which God works out His divine plan in the pages of our humble existence. The Lord has called me out on some very hard seasons in which I have wrestled through life experiences with what at times seems like a heavy load.  I can only come to the conclusion that He has some big plans for my life.  For five years I was in what I called a season of sovereignty.  For me a sovereign season was a time of rest and blindly trusting that God would carry through on His promises.  About a year ago, I sensed a shifting in my perspective in which He has been transitioning me into a season of redemption.  My season of redemption has been much more active, a time to gain back ground in many aspects of my life.  In this season, God has walked me through my past in order to address and heal through some of my painful experiences, and He is guiding me on new territory in my spiritual walk and in my writing.  I sense that God is calling me to speak the truth and take a stand on what is important to Him.

THE SOCIAL ACTIVIST

In the process of redemption, I have spent some time reflecting on the controversy surrounding our recent presidential election and the social demonstrations that followed as well as reminiscing about my experiences as a social work student at Kansas State University 20 years ago.  In those days, I was an impressionable young lady determined to become a world changer that would make a difference.  Entering into the Social Work Program, my eyes were opened up to new perspectives about our culture and social injustice.   I immersed myself in my classes about diversity, enthused to be an activist that embraced cultural and social enrichment.  One of my professors once told me that I had more passion about my research on diversity than most graduate students.  I sometimes sat in the cafeteria with diverse populations of students from other cultures just to get a taste of what it was like to be a minority, and I frequently had coffee sessions with the student association for gays and lesbians with a goal to understand their culture and educate others in the community about the social issues they faced.  When there was racial division in our classroom, I spoke up and read Maya Angelou poetry and literature from my women's studies class, attempting to bridge the gap regarding perspectives on white privilege.  I was passionate about what I believed and wanted to help others to see the world from the lens handed to me.

THE INFLUENCE OF WOMEN

There were three women who had a dramatic impact on my perspectives on diversity and women's issues while in college.  Each one of them was very different, and they influenced me in very different ways.  My first encounter was with an energized professor of social work who had a persona that exuded culture and grace.  Everything about her radiated with soul and beauty.  When the students of color called her Dr. McGowan, they illuminated with pride.  When Dr. McGowan spoke, the energy of her personality came out with flare, and when she called us "wise ones", I wanted to jump up and change the world!  She taught us about the term "cultural competence" and understanding worldviews from a diverse perspective.  Dr. McGowan encouraged us to educate ourselves about politics and social issues so we could meet with our representatives to discuss them competently.  When I expressed my desire to be a mediator between different political stances, my professor looked at me sadly and said that it would be a lonely road.  She seemed to understand the hardships of our unjust world, and she met those hardships with grace, dignity, and spirit.

Another woman who shaped my knowledge about culture and women's issues was my women's studies professor who went by her first name, Marlene.  Marlene was a quirky woman with a quiet unassuming spirit and identified herself as a lesbian.  She was passionate about working with women who were victims of domestic violence and rape.  She also counseled women on body image issues such as eating disorders and cutting, and held classes for smoking cessation.   She encouraged her students to get involved on campus and volunteer for social organizations.  She set up training and volunteer opportunities at the local women's shelter.  Marlene and I clicked right away because we both shared a love for poetry and literature.  When I took one of her master's classes on women's literature and culture, she educated us about other cultures and their worldviews that differ from our western worldview.  Marlene encouraged me to enter one of my essays, a pastoral look at hardship through the eyes of an impoverished South American culture, for a writing contest with the Sociology and Women's Studies Program.  She proudly stood by my side when I was awarded the honor for my essay at a department banquet.  Marlene was a gentle and humble woman who looked out for her students and got in the trenches to make a difference.

The third woman who influenced my perspective on diversity and women was a fellow student.  Brenda was a nontraditional student that wanted to make a difference through a career in social work.  Brenda was paralyzed from the waist down and used an electric scooter to get around.  She never let her physical impairment get in the way of what she wanted.  Brenda was passionate, funny, outgoing, and full of joy.  She loved to talk, and we would spend hours chatting on the phone.  Brenda considered herself to be a Christian and a feminist.  She wasn't afraid to be bold and share her views, and she was always up for a good debate.  We differed in our views about abortion because I was pro-choice and she was pro-life.  I remember debating the issue with her once, and she stopped me in my tracks as I was trying to defend a woman's right in certain circumstances to terminate pregnancy.  Realizing what I was about to say, she told me, "You mean what about babies with disabilities, right Darcee?"  I lost touch with Brenda after graduation, and I would love to reconnect with her again.  She was a very special friend and mentor to me!

MY "DAMASCUS EXPERIENCE"

"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.  And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh."  Ezekiel 36:26

Three women influenced my life as I graduated college, ready to change the world!  I was an activist, a change maker, and excited about what life had to offer.  I had a chip on my shoulder towards religion as I perceived most Christians to be judgmental and limited in their thinking.  A week after graduation, I moved away to start a summer internship in northern Wisconsin and finish my electives through the University of Wisconsin Eau Claire.  In Wisconsin, I met my future husband, Mel, and experienced a dramatic turn of events.   My initial "Damascus experience" as I called it started one fall day around Thanksgiving at a Walmart in Eau Claire.  I was shopping with Mel feeling very lost and confused.  We were facing some difficult decisions about our relationship and future, and I was angry at God and with religion.  I vividly remember standing in the store, picking out a Christmas movie, when we were both struck with a feeling of God steering our choices, an experience I can barely describe with words.  I can only say it was a nudge, answer to a stranger's prayer--an answer that would change the entire course of our relationship, future, and faith.

In the next year and a half,  a lot had happened in our relationship.  We were living in the Hudson area, trying to turn our lives around and facing quite a few rocky moments along the way.  One night, just before Easter, Mel and I were at church together singing a worship song, when God spoke to both of us in different yet similar ways.  I felt like a young Samuel, when God spoke my name.  The conversation went something like this,  "Darcee, it's time."  ... Time for what? ... "Darcee, it's time.  I want you to do My ministry." ... What are you talking about?  People with think I'm crazy or a religious nut! ... "Darcee, it's time.  I want you to do My ministry."   

This conversation went on in my mind as Mel and I took our infant daughter and our niece, Mindy, on a drive through Birkmose Park.  I mentally said to God, I don't think I can do this.  How will people understand?  What will my family say?  Will they think I'm crazy?  What am I supposed to do?  God simply said, "Read My word and I will show you the way."  He wanted me to trust Him and read His word, simple as that.  That night, I resigned myself to His will feeling as though I was struck by a great light like Paul on the road to Damascus, I was suddenly filled with an incredible sense of peace and power in my spirit.  I remembered a similar feeling about thirteen years prior when I answered a call to make a profession of faith, but this time it was stronger and more vivid.  That night changed my life, and I was never the same.


A TWIST OF DESTINY

Since that night at Birkmose Park, my life was transformed and changed.  Mel and I eventually moved to a smaller town where we settled and grew our family.  We continued to attend the same church in which we experienced God's intervention, and He called upon both of our lives in very specific intentional ways.  I practiced as a social worker in the long-term care setting, and my ideals as a college activist were replaced with a desire to serve God.  I worked at a facility in the twin cities run by an organization that encouraged spiritual worship and prayer for the benefit of the residents.  I was conducting a weekly international prayer group for staff from various cultures.  What an incredible experience to hear various women pray in their native tongues!  I loved it, and I met some wonderful women from India, Ethiopia, Kenya, Sierre Leone, and other African countries.  They were true sisters of faith to me!

God had dramatically changed my heart and my worldview.  My objectives as an activist took on a twist of destiny five years after having a miscarriage that tested my faith, I was attending a church service when I heard a woman named Carla speak about her experience having an abortion.  Thinking about my grief over my unborn child and my past views on abortion, her testimony touched my heart in a profound way.  Somewhere along the way, I had realized that as a mom and a Christian, I was pro-life, but I never grasped what that really meant until I heard Carla speak.  Her testimony is here and speaks for itself.

THE DARE FOR "SUCH A TIME AS THIS"

That day, I approached Carla and explained how much her testimony impacted me.  A couple of years later, I reconnected with Carla on Facebook where she has actively discussed her stance on abortion.  I witnessed Carla's courage as she faced opposition from pro-choice and pro-abortion activists who called her derogatory names for saying that she regretted her abortion.  She also received criticism from a few extremists in the pro-life movement who told her she didn't deserve forgiveness for having an abortion.  Carla remained strong and unmoving in her faith, and she has been committed to love and show compassion for other women who have had abortions and are grieving.  She has also been passionate about educating others about the truth behind the abortion industry and the eugenics movement in our culture.  With extra time on my hands because I was home bound with a chronic health condition, I began to do my own research.  Carla suggested some resources and loaned me a few videos.  I was astounded by the roots behind our abortion industry and the racist eugenics agenda that was being swept under the rug by both our culture and the founder of one of the top abortion industries.  It was eye opening and shocking to say the least.

I was uncertain as to what to do with this enlightenment about the abortion industry, but I kept the knowledge tucked away until I had a better grasp of how to engage the next step.   As God has been moving me towards a season of redemption, I began to feel the nudge to do more and speak up.  Recently, I responded to that nudge and dared to take the first few steps of faith to take a stand for life and for truth.  It seemed like dangerous ground to tread, and I thought of Queen Esther who was called out to speak "for such a time as this" (Esther 4:14).  I have taken a step of faith to bring the truth about abortion and eugenics to light in a manner that does not to judge or dislike those who took the path of abortion or who are opposed to my views.  It is about loving others unconditionally, getting down to the facts, sharing the truth, and allowing God to do the rest.

A NEW PERSPECTIVE 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."  Psalm 51:10

My worldview on diversity and women's issues were shaped by an enthusiastic and inspiring educator on diversity, a compassionate and unassuming women's studies professor, a dear college friend and mentor, and a humble woman courageous enough to say she regretted her abortion. When it comes to calling myself an "activist" or a "feminist", I choose not to align myself with a label or name that follows partisan affiliations.  I call my view on diversity and women's issues by what God's word says about it in Galatians 3:28:  "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are ALL one in Christ Jesus."  I believe this goes the same for all race and culture.  I align my views on life and humanity by Psalm 139:13, "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."  We are ALL beautifully made in God's image and ALL life and ALL people are precious and sacred in God's sight.  As for my previous affiliations with diversity and the challenges that go with it, I figure the gospel will cover that, and I don't worry about it because "ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).  Regardless of what my current stance is on activism and social issues, I believe that Christ is the redeemer of ALL things and has the power to take these experiences and make them into something that points to His glory.  I don't need to be embarrassed or hide my past just as I am not ashamed to be the woman that I have become, transformed on my own "Damascus road", called out for "such a time as this" as a dare to simply tell the truth, and the truth has set me free!

EUGENICS AND ABORTION

 Eugenics is a belief that the human population can be improved by discouraging reproduction of humans with genetic defects or undesirable traits through means such as birth control, forced sterilization, and abortion.  Many are unaware of the eugenics movement in the U.S. including sterilization laws that were implemented and practiced up until the 1970's.  Our abortion industry was founded on these ideals by an organization called the American Birth Control League in 1921.  The American Birth Control League was later renamed Planned Parenthood.  The overwhelming evidence of this organization's desire to wipe out minority groups speaks for itself.  If you are pregnant and considering an abortion, know that you are not alone and there are organizations that can help you.  You can contact your local pregnancy resource center for support and assistance.  https://www.care-net.org/what-is-a-pregnancy-center

There are also resources the offer compassion and support for those who have had an abortion and grieving: http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

For additional support and resources, you can contact Carla Stream directly by email at carlastream@gmail.com.

For more information about eugenics and the abortion industry, you can check out these links.

https://www.uvm.edu/~lkaelber/eugenics/

http://www.maafa21.com/

http://www.wral.com/news/video/9755940/

http://www.priestsforlife.org/africanamerican/blog/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLqIYtmWpaI

http://www.toomanyaborted.com/sanger/

http://liveaction.org/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7y2KsU_dhwI

The Bully Letters: from Broken Places to Redeeming Graces

A LETTER TO MY CHILDHOOD SELF

To the shy gangly ten-year-old girl who stepped out on the playground one fall morning, and a group of kids from your 5th grade class cornered you by the monkey bars.  One of them called out, "Hey Nutter, I hear you like nuts!"  Not quite understanding the meaning behind their derogatory remarks, you made a feeble attempt to defend yourself through their childish game of chanting and name calling.  Although you shrugged it off, a small piece of your innocence died that day.

In the years that followed, you tasted the bitter lesson that children are cruel and have little regard for your feelings as they elbowed each other and jeered at you with taunts and laughs.  They assaulted your beauty and intelligence with ugly names.  Their words followed you until you wished you could fade into the cracks of the invisible to disappear from their disheartening words.  Most of your teachers would turn a blind eye, and the one or two who tried to intervene only fanned the flame of cruelty to your shattered image.  

My beloved child, I wish that you could have seen yourself through the eyes of your Creator as the beautiful and precious girl you were.  I would have liked to have told you that it would be OK because it would or that in the end it wouldn't matter because it doesn't; but you will come to understand that words have power as they weigh you down and follow you.  You will have wasted too much of your life questioning yourself and pushing people away, a facade to protect those old wounds from reopening.  But God is bigger than the cruelty of childhood taunts and scars hidden away in shame like bitter secrets that don't seem to escape. God has a beautiful purpose for your pain and these damaging experiences will build you into something strong and glorious for His divine plan.  As you eventually reopen these wounds to allow the healing to begin, you will open your heart to His love and identify yourself to the One Who was mocked and beaten for your soul.  God wrote these haunting words on the book of your life, and transformed it into His beauty.

A LETTER TO THE BOY

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."  1 Corinthians 13:12

To the bold and vivacious twelve-year-old boy who seemed to delight in my misery as you gathered your friends to call me "ugly", "stupid", "reject", "space cadet"... the words like fire into my veins until I could scarcely keep it all in.  One day in 6th grade gym class, you threw a basketball at me, hitting me like a load of bricks in the gut.  With breathless agony, I looked up at you, tears filling my blue-gray eyes, and I said to you, "I wish I was dead."  You looked at me with a jaunty stare and laughed.  At that moment, I realized that I believed all the disparaging things you and your friends called me, and I despised myself.  I longed to escape the ugly truth of the horror my life had become, and if I could I would have ended it all right then and there.  Our encounter generated a tormenting crisis of identity built on shattered images of self, loathing, and despair.  Did you know how your teasing pierced my soul and tore me apart inside?  Would you have cared if you understood the internal damage your words wounded?

Decades later, I would finally seek true healing in the bloody wounds for the One Who died to love.  Decades later, I received the news that you chose the path of pain and ended your life, and the truth once again hit me in the gut that my breath would be lost in regret for your sorrows.  What kind of pain did you know child?  What bitter lessons burst through your veins like scars and broken dreams?  If only we could turn back time and I could have lifted up the mirror for you to see the image before you of the One Who made you in His likeness, Who longed to write your name on His scars with "Not guilty, Forgiven, and Set Free"-- for the incredible creation He designed in your mother's womb because He loved you deeply and wholly just as you were, His beloved child.

A LETTER TO THE BULLIES

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."  Proverbs 18:21

To the nameless faces, the children and teens who seemed to build themselves up in tearing others down.  Your heedless words and careless remarks that chased me and followed me into adulthood were like poison, arrows to assault my self-esteem.  Could you imagine the searing lead behind your words or the damage they created?  My guess is that you grew up and matured from these childish pursuits and probably don't remember any of the pain they evoked.  Would it do anyone justice to hang on to these distorted images, to seek revenge, or to keep these bitter memories?  No.  Just as it would be futile to blame you or these experiences, what benefit is it for me hold onto them like a dagger to pierce the ignited fuel for hate?  The best gift I could give is those simple words, "I forgive you."  Not that forgiveness means forgetting or that it necessarily eases the pain of the memories.  But forgiveness is the anecdote for healing balm to sooth old wounds.  Forgiveness releases me from the shackles I have set myself to your words and heals the soul in stages of mercies.  Forgiveness releases you to your own path in which we will all someday be called to hold account for our words and actions.  Who am I to hold onto my judgement?  We all sin.  We all hurt others at some point.  We can only hold ourselves accountable, and when we are released from these burdens we build a solid foundation for something greater and more glorious than we could ever dream of.  That is the miracle of grace and redemption. 

A LETTER TO MY PARENTS


To the two people who loved your awkward daughter unconditionally, who never failed to tell me that you loved me.  You were role models for diligence, compassion, and forgiveness.  The heartache you must have felt in all those lost nights of sleep, for fear and worry for your hurting child.   You looked from the sidelines, helpless for the bitter lessons a child must carry through to grow and survive this fallen world of cruel words and harsh realities.  You stayed up with me when grief and fear consumed me, offering words of consolation and cups of hot cocoa.  You felt the pain of rejection when I shut you out and refused to unveil my wounds. Forgive me if I never stopped to say thank you for loving me and caring enough to see me through my teens. Sometimes I think you blamed yourselves and wondered what you could have done differently.  I know you would have done anything to spare me these sorrows, but for what others "meant for evil against me, God meant it for good." (Genesis 5:20)  God's reasons may not make sense to us but His story was written in the novel of these pages of heartache.  He takes our tribulations and passes them through fire to create something beautiful in His image.  He smites His beloved, and He had an incredible plan for all of us to come out of these broken places for His glory and grace.   His paradox for pain is our hope for crucified wholeness.


A LETTER TO FUTURE GENERATIONS

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."  Colossians 4:6

To our children and the future generations that taste the bitter realities of facing their own "bullies."   Life isn't easy or fair, but we are never alone.  May the stories of redemption from our heartaches shine a light for you to see a glimpse of the image that God gives you for His fulfilled promises.  May you know He loves you with a passion that is like an unquenchable fire.  May you see yourself through His holy lens, that you are beautiful and perfect, the apple of His eye.  His Son redeemed you for His unconditional love so that you could taste a little eternity on earth.  Know that your value holds no bounds, and the thoughtless words of others will not hold a candle to the vastness of God's words to love and bind you to His grace.  To the incredible, smart, and articulate generation of youth.  You are above the petty, the ugly, and the hate.  You can make it.  Just hold on and hold fast to your faith, and God will see you through.

To those whose insecurity fuels your cruel words to sting and despair the seemingly weak and unsettled.  I pray that you find your redemption, that you would come to understand the power behind your damaging words and the consequences that follow.  You are also beloved in His sight, so turn to Him and He will expose the light to expel the ugly and distribute the grace that abounds for open hearts.  Sufficient grace can turn your anger and hate into beautiful redeeming love.  

FROM BROKEN PLACES TO REDEEMING GRACES

Today, our culture has raised more awareness than ever before about the consequences of bullying.  With nation-wide anti-bullying campaigns, we would think that our schools would overflow with peace and harmony.  So why do we see such tremendous demonstrations of division, bitterness, and violence fill our streets and rage our schools?  Why is suicide among our teens on the rise? Are we building a broken society with a broken generation marred by broken identities and families torn apart?  How do we bridge the gap that is shredding the fabric of our culture?   The only hope to bind these broken places is found in the wounds of God's redeeming graces.  As parents, our battle for grace starts on our knees as we plead for this generation and for a culture disfigured by cruelty and hate.  "What is impossible with man is possible with God" (Luke 18:27)  Just as God redeemed my battle scars for good, He can redeem this generation by His steadfast love and abounding grace.  May we be a gift of love for a hurting child, and by one loving sacrificial act at a time, we can pay it forward for God's fresh mercies.  Let us bring out a generation for hope and redemption built on love and truth as we allow God's light to shine through and create something new.

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."  1 Peter 4:8



For more about my perspective on bullying and healing through distorted teenage identities, you can read my commentaries on some of the poetry I wrote in my teens about these experiences.

http://dzehm2.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-ghosts-of-winter-melody.html

http://dzehm2.blogspot.com/2017/02/take-courage.html