Into the Pasture

...He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me besides still waters.

He restores my soul.  Psalm 23:2-3a

I AM

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall

You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed

You watched my team win

You watched my team lose

You watched when my bicycle went down again

And when I was weak, unable to speak

 Still I could call You by name

And I said, Elbow Healer, Superhero

Come if You can

You said, I AM

Only sixteen, life is so mean

What kind of curfew is at 10 PM?

You saw my mistakes

And watched my heart break

Heard when I swore I'd never love again

And when I was weak, unable to speak

Still I could call You by name

And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper

Be my best friend

And You said, I AM

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight

I said forever to what lies ahead

Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream

Too much it might seem when it is 2 am

And when I am weak, unable to speak

Still I will call You by name

Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker

Hold onto my hand

You say, I AM

The winds of change and circumstance blow in
and all around us

So we find a foothold that's familiar

And bless the moments we feel you nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun

You let the angels dance around the throne

And who can say when, but they'll dance again

When I am free and finally headed home

I will be weak, unable to speak

Still I will call you by name

Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer

Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer

Lord and King, Beginning and the end

I AM

Yes, I AM

--Nicole Nordeman, Woven and Spun, 1999

The Lord Is My Shepherd

I Shall Not Be In Want

He Makes Me Lie Down...

I Lie Down

Sometimes, at night, when

Darkness is spinning around me,

Fear and loneliness creep in

My bedroom

And press upon me

Like a shadow of my scars.

Thoughts of endless to do lists

and "what ifs",

Angry words,

Unspoken sorrows.

The day's end,

Broken body, weary.

I roll over the rumpled coverings,

Askew from restless dreams,

To reach for my Bible

And hug it tight to me.

Speechless, I barely whisper your name.

I imagine you are with me,

My Abba, my Shepherd,

Gently waiting to hear me speak your name.

I dream you are holding me softly in your

Omnipotent arms.

Somehow, I think that is how you wanted it

My childlike desires for warmth

And peace, when everything else

Falls away, and nothing left,

But my speechless sigh.

I nestle in close,

And simply trust in that place

Where words fade to darkness.

And you are all I need.

Your soft presence like a

Sweet lullaby.

You take me to the quietness

Of my soul to restore me

To morning's fresh mercies anew.

You are all I need.

--Darcee Zehm

Broken for His Glory

Broken Fragments

Crests of Dreams

Shattered

Rebuilt

Resurrected Beauty

Poured Out From

the Everyday Mess I Made

Grace Envelopes Me

Like a Cloak of Hope

and it is All Counted

for His Glory...

WHY BROKEN PLACES

Broken Places, the title of this blog, came to me after pondering and praying for months.  I felt God leading me to share my testimony with others.  I choose this title to describe the broken places in our lives, places where God can speak his grace and mercy.  In my case, I have felt broken with chronic pain and other health problems. I've learned to trust that God's "grace is sufficient" for me.

The seed was planted this past February at a church women's retreat.  I was excited to see Susie Larson speak that day.  I was reading her book, Embracing Your Freedom, which had inspired me to find hope despite my brokenness.  During Susie's conference it seemed as though she was speaking directly to me.  Towards the end of the day, as she spoke of the healing of her son, I was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion and had to leave the room.  Some dear friends prayed with me and we read Psalm 103 together.  

Psalm 103:1-5:  "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!  Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so your youth is renewed like the eagles."

After the conference, I was introduced to Susie and told her a little about my story.  She looked me directly into my eyes and said "There is a testimony here.  All I have to do is look in your eyes and see the other side of this."  Her encouragement boosted me to press on with my life and hang on to the truth that the Lord speaks.

MY JOURNEY

I think a series of bad choices and unhealthy eating habits was the primary source of my health problems.   About 6 years ago, I came down with pneumonia and started to have asthma attacks.  Eventually, I started having migraines and chronic problems with pain in my back and neck.  Still, I continued to ignore the signs and eat whatever I wanted.   Over 2 years ago I developed a vestibular disorder that steadily worsened.  I was misdiagnosed by a neurologist and my primary physician.  I went through several tests and no one seemed to know what was wrong with me.  

Slowly, the joy in my life was ebbing away, and I felt lost in my own personal darkness and desperation.  Mel, my husband, was wonderful and stayed by my side.  My mom (who lives out of state) also showed me support and love.  I started isolating myself and was pushing away from friends and people I loved because I figured no one wanted to deal with these things.  I hated seeing my kids watch me suffer.  It broke my heart when they wanted to be with me and I was debilitated with severe headaches and dizzy spells.  Most of all, my relationship with God suffered.  I couldn't feel his presence anymore. God seemed distant to me.

I started trying alternative treatments.  I tried cranial sacral therapy and went to a chiropractor and nutritionist.  I stopped eating/drinking all gluten, dairy, sugar, chocolate, caffeine, and preservatives.  I did 6 months of detoxing.  The weight starting pouring off, but I didn't feel that much different. 

Mel and I went before the Elders of the church for anointing and prayer.  Friends were praying for us.  A friend let me email her whenever I was having a bad day and she just kept lifting me in prayer.  I still felt desperate and alone. 

After over a year of experiencing vertigo and not getting answers from health professionals, the same friend suggested I look into a specialty clinic for dizziness in the Twin Cities.  I made an appointment with them and, after undergoing 2 days of testing, they confirmed that I had a vestibular disorder and there was treatment for it.  I was referred to a wonderful physical therapy program out of River Falls who did more tests and told me I had 3 different forms of vertigo and deconditioning of my muscles which was causing the weakness and falling spells. 

After that, I faced a long road of slow methodical exercises to counteract my dizziness and strengthen my body.  Month after month, I followed the routine.  I worked up to 4 hours a day of exercises, stretching and working out.  I did my own research on nutrition and continued to follow a very specific diet that I put together for myself that is high in protein and soluble fiber and excluding potential migraine triggers.   

The truth is my life was completely turned upside down in so many ways.  Things were happening and changing, and not all the changes were very pleasant for our family either.  I just held on for the ride.  Mel was spending his Saturday mornings with a men's group from church.  The men and several members of our church were covering us with prayer.  Then, a married couple from our church asked us if they could mentor us through this rough time. They starting coming over every Tuesday night to share material on Freedom in Christ by Dr. Neil Anderson.  As I continued the very very slow progress and forcing myself everyday to follow the exercises I needed, I also began to learn about my identity in Christ.  I learned that I as much as I needed to exercise, I also needed to make the daily decision to "rest in Christ."  

GOD'S GLORY IN THE BROKEN

It has been about 7 months now since I started the exercises and studying the steps of Freedom in Christ.  I have made slow and steady improvements in my health and my relationship with God.  I do continue to suffer from chronic pain and have occasional migraines.  Since my improvement, I've learned the joy of being able to do things I took for granted before such as taking a walk, playing a game with my family, or being able to stand up and worship at church.   I'd like to say I was completely healed or that  I now have this great perfect faith walk with God, but the truth is I've realized that I can't always count on things turning out exactly the way I want them to.  We have to be accountable for the choices we make in life.  Sometimes life just isn't fair even when we make the right choices.  It doesn't matter how hard we try or how good we are, life continues on and the world is still fallen.   

So, what can I count on then?  I have found that the only thing that is perfect, that is true, that lasts is God himself.  His love is so amazing, so powerful, that it sometimes the only hope that I can cling onto.  Yes, it can be difficult some days to trust in something I can't see with my eyes, but I still hold on.  God's grace is strong enough to cover all my messed up life and the mistakes I make--which I make plenty even now!  I often find myself amazed to contemplate who God says I am.  I am his beloved child and NOTHING can change that!  I continue to have the hope for healing, and I continue to trust in God despite what my feelings may say.  Day by day, I put my trust in him.  Even when I fall short and lean on my own devices instead of choosing rest in Christ, his grace covers me and I keep going and walking out my faith.  I trust in God telling me his "grace is sufficient."    That grace and steadfast love is my hope and my joy.  I can only live for this day and then look to the next day as it comes.  Some days I have to take each moment as it comes.  In the end it is all for His Glory! 

Isaiah 53:4-5:  Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.  But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed."