Out of Hevel: Grasping for Meaning in a Culture of Chaos

"All things are wearisome, more than one can say, the eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.  What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun...I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind... for with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief."  Ecclesiastes 1:8-9, 14,18

The Toil

"What has a man from all the toil and striving of heart with which he toils beneath the sun?  For all his days are full of sorrow, and his work is a vexation.  Even in the night his heart does not rest.  This also is vanity."  Ecclesiastes 2: 22-23

Chaos defines our culture when we push forward in toil, exerting ourselves to prove our worthiness in a world that engulfs us with misguided identities and displaced desires.  Toil has become my escape as I fill my life with obligations--the grim determination to serve my family, care for a sick son, ease my husband's burdens, and chase our small business ambitions with tenacity.  I spend my mornings writing it all down, journaling and studying--grinding through my Bible study with persistence as I strive to tackle all that I have planned in my day.  My work has become a great burden that which the harder I pursue it; the more satisfaction eludes me.  The more I fill up my routine with commitments and causes, the hollower my life becomes; and I am struck with the realization that all that once seemed to "work", is now "working" against me.  Crammed with the emptiness of toil, I find myself wondering what all the striving is for?  It feels like hevel, vapor, a "chasing after the wind."

The Silence

"My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from him."  Psalm 52:5-6

Out of purposeless toil, the discord of exertion dissolves to stillness and pandemonium mutes the spirit.  Two years of reticence have been thrust upon my wearisome existence as I practice the art of silence.  My lips ache from biting them to hush the words I am tempted to speak in the face of a culture of chaos, where opinions are the dividing factor, a disquieting façade of polarization.  A culture in which friends become enemies and certainty fades like vapor as we are constantly exposed to distrust and suspicion.  It is as though we have forgotten who the real enemy is.

I am seated at church surrounded by fellow worshipers in the chasm of quietude, the music seeps into the pores of my dry soul.  I open my taunt lips to sing the words that barely escape.  Silence barricades the flood lest the dams break--two years of silence and grief threaten to spill over like a noisy gong of emotion poured out for my undoing. So, I take small doses of praise, savoring the sweetness that subdues my bitter thoughts and skeptical dreams, and I steel myself to face the harshness of life head on with mute steadfast determination.  The enemy taunts, and I hold firm, grasping for meaning when it all seems meaningless.

The truth is, I am tired, and I am angry--the words tired and angry seems subdued in comparison to the deep complex emotions I tenaciously stuff down my inner spirt to survive the turmoil that engulfs our society and clobbers the conscious with the empty promises and false perceptions.  The lassitude that invades my spirit weighs like fetters, a wearisome affair "under the sun."

Inwardly, I am consumed by rage- disgust with what our world has become.  I am incensed with those who walked away in their rash judgments.  I am infuriated with pride, egotism, judgement, and polarization.  I am antagonized with estrangement, inflation, war, and disregard for humanity.   I am exacerbated with sickness and disease--especially that which has been thrust upon my sweet son.  I am riled by the realization of just how little control I have over my own life.  I am fatigued from pressing on, and I am disturbed by the daily reminders that it is all hevel--meaningless vapor, a breath.  The hevel evades me, a "vanity of vanities", deafened by my weariness and silent rage, pierced by my grief.  I perceive it all as hevel, and I feel a kinship with the Christ who wept with rage at the graveside of His dear friend, Lazarus (John 11:35).  The "Resurrection and the Life" Himself knew fully the bitterness of humanity that would reject, mock, and torture Him.  He recognized all the worldly pursuits and desires as hevel, and He wept.  Christ must have felt exhausted as He witnessed to the misguided and spiritually blind on His way to the grave.

The Grave

"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart."  Ecclesiastes 7:2

I stand before my mother's grave, holding my grieving father's arm gently.  I find myself wishing I had a bouquet of red roses to lay before her resting place.  I mention how Mom's practical nature would have perceived such a frivolous gesture as unnecessary.  We laugh wryly as Dad tells me that that she once told him fresh cut flowers were not for her, as she sought after more tangible gestures of love.  The legacy of a witty woman who enjoyed people, loved books, and was never short of words.  My mother poured her life into making others happy--a legacy now laid out before us at a small Kansas cemetery.  A legacy achieved to my daughter who hovers nearby, ready to sing House of the Rising Sun for her grandma's memory.  In those silent moments of reflection, I wonder what my mother would have thought about all the nonsense going on in our world today.  She surely would have thought it all to be ridiculous vanity.

It was at a small Kansas cemetery, where a childhood playground beckoned youthful pleasures on dusky summer days and juvenile endeavors shielded our innocent hearts from the sting of death and the unforgiving reality of the grave.  Our developing minds just couldn't fathom such cruelties as we would one day endure as adults in a world of chaos.  The past two years have evoked devastating lessons in the ferocity of death and the sorrow of the tomb, as I have been forced to reconcile my own mortality and face the fact that we are all headed to our destiny.  Each day draws nearer to the moment ordained for our final breath in which we must account for the futility of days gone by under the sun, and time is suddenly a precious commodity, a scarce treasure.  Like sand through our fingers, it keeps marching on, and it all feels like hevel, a "chasing of the wind."

The Preacher

"I will deliver this people from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death.  Where, O death, are your plagues? Where, O grave, is your destruction?"  Hosea 13:14

  On a sultry July Sunday, our family took a three-hour drive towards a Wisconsin cabin to celebrate the Independence Day holiday.  On the way, I listen to a live-stream sermon preached by our pastor on Hosea 11. He described Hosea's metaphor of God and his people as a relationship between a father and a child, illustrating the hardship of letting go and trusting God.   Towards the end of the sermon, the preacher challenged us to delve into the paradigm that addresses how a God can be sovereign, righteous, and good in a world of evil and dreadful circumstances. 

Last winter, our pastor addressed the book of Ecclesiastes and educated us on the Hebrew meaning of hevel-- "vanity, smoke, vapor, a chasing of the wind."  For two years, he has seemed troubled by the conflict facing the church in our current culture, and several of his sermons encouraged us to look past our shallow differences to seek something of more depth by loving each other unconditionally.  Just like the preacher in Ecclesiastes, our pastor recognized the folly of vain pursuits "under the sun" as he pointed us to the true substance of believing in the "Son."

Just hours after the preacher spoke on the metaphorical hardship of Hosea 11, we received the message that something was terribly wrong, and we linked together in prayer, bracing ourselves for the news that would shake us to the core.  Through a senseless tragic accident, the preacher lost his ten-year-old son in a building collapse.  There are no words to describe such a devastating loss or the impact it had on a family, the church, and a community.  

A week later, mourners lined the streets to demonstrate love and offer condolences to the family.  The pastor and his precious wife courageously stood at the end of the line, gathering hundreds of embraces and countless tears.  They both wore red to honor the memory of their beloved son, and the preacher stood before us all to deliver his son's eulogy.    As I observed the beautifully personable and dignified way the pastor and his family honored this young man, I couldn't help but think that they are the bravest people I know.  The lyrics to the song "Goodness of God" played repeatedly in my mind as I grappled with how God can be good in such a tragedy.  Though I could never fully comprehend the bereft this lovely family experiences, my spirit shared a piece of their grief, and I wondered if any of us would be OK again.    

The Lamb

"Then I saw in the right hand of him who sat on the throne a scroll with writing on both sides and sealed with seven seals.  And I saw a mighty angel proclaiming in a loud voice, 'Who is worthy to break the seals and open the scroll?'  But no one in heaven or on earth or under the earth could open the scroll or even look inside it.  I wept and wept because no one was found who was worthy to open the scroll or look inside.  Then one of the elders said to me, 'Do not weep!  See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has triumphed.  He is able to open the scroll and its seven seals.'  

Then I saw a Lamb looking as if he had been slain, standing at the center of the throne, encircled by the four living creatures and the elders.  The Lamb had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirts of God sent out into all the earth.  He went and took the scroll from the right hand of him who sat on the throne.  And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb.  Each one had a harp, and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of God's people.  And they sang a new song, saying:

            'Worthy is the lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and                     strength and honor and glory and praise!"

Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea and all that is in them, saying:

            "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and                     power forever and ever!"  Revelation 5: 6-13

I never fully realized the significance of why John, the author of this passage, wept until I listened to a sermon on Revelation from a neighboring church.  John resided in depraved culture of chaos, led by a governing body determined to exterminate the Christian church, and he witnessed the brutal martyrdom of his brother, James, and all of the other apostles of the time.  It was a society in which serving false gods was required for acceptance and enterprise.  Followers of Christ were destroyed by being publicly fed to the lions for entertainment.  John recognized that the hopelessness of the times, and without hope, it was all hevel, vanity, a "chasing of the wind."  

John once described Jesus as "the Word Who was with God and was God" (John 1:1).  He understood all too well the power of "the Word."  John knew that the words in that scroll carried the One Hope that would make all things right- to right the wrongs of the world and redeem all the despair and torture and death.  No One was worthy except the Lamb Himself!  

Every tear, pain, heartache, and struggle of this unforgiving world, and the sting of death stood on the balance of the words tucked away in those pages, and when the One Who is Worthy breaks the seal, everything changes!  Divorce, despair, depravity, and death all delivered by the Lamb of God who was tortured and slain.  I couldn't imagine the vast expanse of praise in Heaven or the deep terror on earth that must be experienced with the finality of opening that seventh seal.  Jesus, the Worthy Lamb, has the power to make it all right and bring it to completion with the final words, "It is finished."

The Promise

"For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."  Revelation 7;17"

Several years ago, my friend and mentor, Joanne was fighting for her family. The conflict she was facing at that time weighed her down as she persistently prayed for a breakthrough.  One night, she had a vision of a Shepherd holding a lamb bleating and anxiously squirming in His arms, unaware it was being held by the One Who could redeem, heal, and protect it.   In that vision, the Lord spoke to my friend and said, "Joanne, you are that lamb."  

How many times are we in that same position- contending with our circumstances?  Laboring in vain, we are blind to the Shepherd who pursues us daily, gently holding us through fiery trials.   God's gentle presence is eternally before us. "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young"  (Isaiah 40:11). 

Prior to the time of Christ, the prophet, Elijah wept before a broom tree, grieved to the point of death over the depravity of his culture. Likewise, when we face harrowing circumstances, we are tempted to fall into overwhelming despair.  Perhaps we expect a thunderclap or a fiery miracle to consume our foes and bring us to a place of redemption.   God oftentimes intervenes in unassuming ways such as the gentleness of a whisper.  If we can only learn to turn off the clamor of our culture and seek peace and refuge in the hushed voice that stills the soul and leads us to the right path (1 Kings 19).

Lately, I have found myself pondering over the power of the resurrection with hopeful anticipation as I cling to the promise that all who believe will rise again with transformed bodies.  The shallow and empty hevel of our world will then be replaced by the "future weight of glory to come" (1 Corinthians 4:17).  A preeminent plan was ordained by the gentle loving arms of a Shepherd, the bloody hands and feet of the Lamb, and the valiant roar of the Lion-- that which has been promised to heal and redeem.  We simply need to turn to Jesus for the answers and pour out our anger, grief, and despair before Him because that is what He died for.  The words behind the seven seals of that scroll hold the answers that will renew and right the wrongs of our world as we wait with expectation for His return.  

"He who testifies to these things says, 'Surely I am coming soon.'  Amen.  Come, Lord Jesus!  The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all.  Amen."  Revelation 22: 20-21

2020: The Culture of Change in a COVID World

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven..."  Ephesians 3:1a

This blog was first created almost a decade ago--a labor of love, tears, and heartache mingled with joy and hope.  I labored over a personal chronicle of stories and experiences intended to point readers to a loving God Who provides comfort in suffering.  My mom has always been my greatest supporter in my writing endeavors.  With more than forty years of typing and editing news content for a small-town paper, she had a keen eye for grammar.  My mom would often proofread my articles and advised me on my writing skills. That changed after she came down with pneumonia last year. Our family ended 2019 by releasing my mom to eternity and burying her on New Year's Eve.  The last thing I wrote was her eulogy.  I yearned to give her memory justice, and as I poured over the content of the eulogy, I was inconsolable over the fact I could not call her for encouragement.  On January 1, 2020, I left rural Kansas, bearing the knowledge that everything had changed, and we would never be the same.  We drove away from my childhood town by taking a first step into the new year and a "new normal."  

ANOTHER "NEW NORMAL"

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit."  Psalm 34:18

In 2020, our family returned home numb and in shock over the outcome of our holiday plans.  We intended on helping my mom discharge from the hospital into a transitional care setting, not plan her funeral.  Sadness and grief hung over like a veil.  Then, my immune compromised son came down with an unidentifiable viral infection that flattened him, and he was bedridden for almost a month with a severe upper respiratory infection and a Lyme relapse.  Taking on the role of caregiver, I felt like a daughter of the "sandwich generation" who numbly embarked this "new normal" worrying over both my son and grieving father.  I felt stricken and lost.  It was not like our family was not used to dealing with sickness and adversity; however, this time was different because I did not have my mom to call to share in my struggles and triumphs.  My mom played a vital role in my life because she cared about the little things that might seem insignificant to others.  How would I ever get through it without her? Usually, I have made it my mission to face these types of struggles head on, but I was not prepared for this kind of "new normal."  

THE CULTURE OF CHANGE   

"The Lord has made everything for its purpose, even the wicked for the day of trouble."  Proverbs 16:4

Then, COVID hit and everything shut down, and the world was thrust into a "new normal."  Like a dystopian novel, everything changed before our eyes.  Suddenly, our society encountered widespread panic in which store shelves were wiped clean and toilet paper became a scarcity.  There was fear of a virus that no one really knew anything about and hit our vulnerable citizens with a vengeance.  There were widespread travel bans and various state and local mandates.  Hospitals, nursing homes, and assisted living centers shut out the public, and my only consolation over the realization that my mom was hospitalized before COVID and spared dying alone.  Surgeries and procedures were canceled, and people had limited access to medical care unless they were in a critical situation.  People were told to stay home as schools and churches closed and businesses were ordered to cease operations.  Everyone home schooled and attended church at home.  People did not see each other except on Zoom, and when they could get out, they peered at each other behind face masks. Everyone started talking about things like "fake news" and "plandemic", and we began to question what was real and what to believe. Then, people were dying, and people were fighting and rioting.  Thousands of buildings and businesses were looted and burned down.  Many eating establishments and local shops were unable to recover, and they were forced to close their doors forever.  Innocent people were shot for no reason, their riotous executions recorded in real time for viewers to watch on social media, and hearts became calloused to rage and brutality.  Extreme partisan divides and polarization on political idealization widened the gap as people raged from their position of whether to mask, get vaccinated, or even step outside of their homes.  People started engaging in venomous disputes over racial relations and which political candidate to support for the upcoming election coming up.  Now, we are wondering if the world has gone mad!  Many of us are asking ourselves how we navigate this "culture of change" in a COVID world?

THE WAY OF CHANGE

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:18-19

With the world seemingly on the brink of collapse and everyone on edge, our daily struggles have become a significant burden in the essence of our world change reality.  My chiropractor recently shared that he has had more patients than ever before coming to him with reports of encountering depression and suicidal thoughts.  As we grapple with disproportionate levels of change in our own lives as well as our culture, who can blame those who do battle heavy blows to the psyche?  Change is inevitable in normal situations; however, it has become a startling reality in the wake of the COVID world of 2020.

For months, I was in a fog of anger and despair at the injustice of our circumstances.  Everywhere I looked, I was being fed a diet of distrust with reasons to fear and dislike others.  Sometimes, I would pour over news articles, videos, and TV programs reporting inevitable doom.  Loss of sleep and waves of grief were taking their toll on my spirit.  I felt my shoulders tense up and my jaw tightened as I threw myself into whatever work I could engage in to forget everything that seemed to be going wrong. One day, my daughter asked me why I looked so disgusted as she observed my face was contorted into a sour expression.  I told her that our society stunk, and I was sick of it!  

It seemed like everything outside of COVID and world events were trivial, and I lost interest in anything frivolous or nonsensical.  Anything insignificant was purged from my life, and only the Lord's presence made sense to me.  Outside of daily work and family stuff, I poured my time into reading my Bible, writing in my journal, praying, and listening to worship music.  I replaced what would have been my morning phone calls to my mom with "God time"--painfully sweet and comforting moments that eventually spread to other parts of my daily routine.  Every Sunday, our family gathered for virtual church services in our living room.  After each service, my husband and I led family discussions about sermon topics and what God is doing through all these world events.  These gatherings led opportunities for family prayer and reflection.  Sometimes, we would invite a few kids from the neighborhood to join us.  God was working in the wake of unwanted change.

REFINED BY CHANGE

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

God will often demonstrate Himself in a changing world through the process of refining our character.  His workings of character sanctification can heighten our awareness in observing the struggles of those around us.  A few days ago, my husband and I said goodbye to a strong, gentle, and gracious woman who has played an imperative role in my personal healing journey over the past nine years.  We prayed with her and we cried together in reflection of the unexpected changes that were thrust upon this sweet soul.  The woman smiled through her tears and told us that she and her husband had planned to keep going with their business until they were in their seventies, however, she told us, "I guess the Lord has other plans for us." This remarkable couple made the difficult decision to let go of the legacy they built and move into unknown territory for the sake of her need for rest and restoration.  Stage four cancer has a way of detouring a lifetime of plans to a new path of uncertainly.   Her eyes reflected the courage to face whatever is set before her; the internal workings of soul strengthening, a visible image of rock-solid faith in the wake of grief.  This woman's example embodies the courage to trust God when aspirations are shattered by disease and hardship.  Her weary soul has been refined by a painful glory that reflects the Lord's doing.

A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON CHANGE

"Put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."  Ephesians 4:22-24

My son and I recently participated in a fourteen-hour training on neuroplasticity.  It was a very enlightening training with tools intended to guide us into taking a deeper look into our thought processes, coping mechanisms, habits, and behavioral patterns.  These coping mechanisms, habits and behavior patterns are believed to become distorted as a result of a misfiring limbic system which negatively impacts the entire endocrine system and the immune function of the body that was disrupted by both disease and toxic exposure.  This program is based on the concept of the "brain that changes itself" and involves six months of intentional rewiring of the limbic system by examining and weeding out negative and harmful brain patterns.  These harmful brain patterns are to be replaced with new conceptualizations that produce a sense of joy, happiness, and euphoria.   I took the program very seriously by viewing it from the perspective of the Bible.  In doing so, it opened an entire new outlook on the "brain that changes itself" before the presence of a loving God. I discovered a joyful reawakening that carried over to various aspects of my life and relationships. I found something worth pursuing in renewing my mind. 

BE THE CHANGE    

  "Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ."  1 Peter 1:13

After completing the initial brain rewiring training, I encountered a fortified sense of self and purpose and wrote these words about my experience renewing my mind:  

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As we approach the last four months of a crummy year, I have been taking a pause to re-evaluate multiple aspects of my life and implement some significant changes.  I have taken a critical look at the overall purpose and mission of our family as well as my personal achievements.  I am striving to reduce and/or eliminate ANYTHING that is unproductive or irrelevant to this mission which includes what I am focusing on, thinking about, viewing, reading, listening to, eating, putting in my body, and saying.  I am committed to taking at least an hour a day to reprocess my focus and replace that was previously negative and not beneficial with what is helpful, useful, healthy, and most of all honors God.  I am committed to doing a better job at taking care of myself so that I can best serve my husband and family.  I am committed to giving myself some grace to recognize I am a human residing in an ugly fallen world and forgive myself as well as others.  Although I choose to take moments to track news and events, I am committed to shutting it down regularly and keeping it in its place so that it does not create fear, anxiety, dissension, or hopelessness for me and/or my relationships.  Finally, I am committed to laugh more, smile more, and NOT allow these things to steal my joy.  I hope and pray we can all take these ugly times to turn to God Who can recreate it into something beautiful.

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In the wake of a renewal in my perspective, I have come to the realization we cannot stop change from happening.  We cannot bring our loved ones back.  We cannot stop our grief.  We cannot stop COVID from coming.  We cannot stop brutality, hate, fires, or looting.  We cannot change the outcome of an upcoming election.  We cannot change our circumstances; however, we can turn to the One Who Never Changes and BE THE CHANGE by His transforming power.  I am uncertain what tomorrow will bring, but today I embrace change because He is enough.

 "And he who was seated on the throne said, "Look, I am making all things new." Also, he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."   Revelation 21:5 

RESOURCES

For another perspective on survival in a COVID World:  

A COVID Survival Guide

For more information about Neuroplasticity:  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFCOm1P_cQQ

https://retrainingthebrain.com/

Sticks and Stones... when our words really hurt us

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."  Proverbs 18:21

THORNS

The consequence of living in a broken world is that each of us has that one thing in our life that we struggle with.  Some call it a habit, addiction, annoyance, or sin.  Paul called it a "thorn" in his flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7).  My "thorn" is twofold--I have the innate desire to please everyone no matter what the consequences are, and I was born with my foot in my mouth--whatever is on my mind spills out before I have a chance to think.  I have spent most of my life battling my insecurity over what people think of me and trying to get control over what I say.  In some ways, I have a transparency about me in which what you see is what you get, yet there is another side of me that wants to withhold information so that I won't hurt someone's feelings or create conflict.  Both sides can get me into trouble from time to time.  In further reflection, I have come to the conclusion that pride and insecurity are the root of most sin and destructive behavior. My type of pride is not as easily identifiable because it hides like a wolf in sheep clothing behind a false sense of humility.   The covert and deceptive nature of this type of pride can actually be more destructive than the more obvious kind.  

A CULTURAL CRISIS OF WORDS

The "thorn" of words is not just a personal issue for me as I believe it to be a cultural norm across multiple generations.  We have become an exceedingly self-absorbed, me first, hands-off society that replaces personal relationships with our electronic devices.  We trade in our desire to bring goodwill to others for a "victim" mentality and a sense of entitlement.  These relationship flaws become magnified by communicating through text messages, emails, and social media.  I see it time and time again on Facebook and Twitter when fingers start doing the talking and we have no filter in what we say.  We push to extremes and forget that our actions and words can't be taken back once they are out there.  In communicating our frustrations and hurts in this manner, it also can lead to misconceptions and irreversible hurt emotions.  I have experienced firsthand how harmful this type of communication can be.

WORDS THAT HURT

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly."  Proverbs 15:1-2

I had a very painful experience a while back that was fueled by a text message.  I honestly didn't want to share this experience because of its personal nature, but when the Lord gets after me on a subject to write about, I can't get it off my mind until it comes spilling out.  After praying about it, I felt that He wanted me to write about my experience so I knew I had to do it because the words were burning in my spirit.  Here it goes:  Last spring,  I was feeling on top of the world with excitement and joy for my daughter who was graduating because I was finally well enough to be a part of events involving her graduation/college plans.   I was also beaming with pride for her beauty and accomplishments.  It was a bittersweet time because I was grieving the fact that she was no longer a child, and I missed out on many opportunities to be a part of her life outside the home as a result of my longstanding chronic condition.  Around the time of my daughter's graduation, my teenage son was infected with Lyme disease which added a tremendous amount of strain and worry for me.

Several events surrounding my daughter's graduation, family health issues, having a family-owned business, and various other factors left me in a tailspin of stress, lack of sleep, and exhaustion.  When I was at my most exhausted and vulnerable point, I was slammed with a startling turn of events.  I don't want to go into the full details, but it involved the loss of a longstanding friendship through a freak incident that couldn't have happened by chance.  At my daughter's graduation, I made a hasty comment in response to a question from a family member about a very dear friend from my past.  As soon as I made the comment, I realized my mistake and cringed inwardly for speaking without thinking; however, I decided to forget that it happened because I couldn't take it back.  My comment got back to her through a text message by someone who overheard the conversation.  She lives several hundred miles away and has only met a few of my local family members briefly while visiting from out of state so it never crossed my mind that she would find out.   

 A few weeks later, it all blew up in my face.  The entire story came out with a few text messages and emails, and all I can say is that the scenario was blown out of proportion by both of us and turned into a monstrosity that took on a life of itself.  I was completely blind sighted by it, and I did not know what exactly happened except it was like the "gossip game" gone wrong.  At that time, I was going on very little sleep, my son was at his worst point in his Lyme battle, and I had no physical or emotional reserve--the perfect storm for disaster!  I was angry, hurt, and devastated.  My rational thinking seemed to be impaired by exhaustion and stress; however, after I was able to get some rest and take a closer look at the situation, I could finally see it for what it was.  For a time, I was very grieved and blamed myself.  I repetitively told myself that my sin had finally caught up with me as I realized how careless words and an impulsive response to someone's anger could lead to such a disastrous outcome.  It was too late to undo the damage, and I couldn't think of any way to fix it.

WORDS THAT HEAL

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I was of a loss of what to do next, so I distanced myself from the emotional side of the situation and started praying about it.   From a worldly standpoint, I could have focused on all the ways that I was wronged and come up with a pretty good case at being a "victim" of someone else's actions, but instead I chose to forgive and turn to God's guidance in how I should respond moving forward.  I spent 3 months camped in the book of Proverbs, reflecting on wisdom versus foolishness and how they play out in our words and actions.  The word that stood out the most for me was the word "heart."  Our attitudes, emotions, and words spill out of what is on our "hearts."   I began making lists of what the book of Proverbs say about our hearts and our words as well as wisdom, foolishness, pride, and humility. During that time, I had started an apology letter, initially trying to justify and/or explain my actions by sugarcoating it with Bible verses and meaningless Biblical rhetoric.  That wasn't going to cut it.  It seemed like God was calling me to the carpet.  Every time, I tried to either bring up my hurt or come up with an excuse for what happened, He gently reminded me to take the giant plank out of my own eye and face the music for what it was.  I had to address the fact that I indeed had a "heart" problem and I was the one who sinned in being careless with my words.  I knew that it wasn't just a one-time incident either.  My "foot in the mouth" habit was a problem I didn't know how to deal with.  I essentially needed to eat an enormous slice of humble pie in order to move forward.  

My husband and daughter both thought I was being too hard on myself and asked me to stop beating myself up.  They recognized that I was sincere in how I felt; however, they told me I needed a healthier perspective.  Although I wanted to change my habits, I had to accept a little grace as well.  It took me almost five months to write that letter before I felt like it was an honest reflection of my heart that expressed what needed to be said.  I wish that I could say that writing the letter magically fixed the situation, but life doesn't work that way and this story is far from being concluded.  The hardest part is waiting, healing, and trusting God.  Although I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I strongly believe there is a reason.  Something like this doesn't just happen by chance.  Maybe it was the only way that God could get my attention.  Maybe it was His way of giving me a character makeover.  I am certain that there is more reasons than I can see right now as to why and how it happened, but I know it is a part of the story of faith the Lord is writing on my heart and the hearts of the others who were involved in the incident.  I may not know the reason or outcome on this side of heaven; however, I must have faith that God is sovereign and that He has a divine plan that will totally come together and make sense to all of us one day.

THE LIVING WORD

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."  Psalm 51:10

It is funny how God speaks to us through so many venues.  During my process of discerning my actions through the lens of God's word, there were several sermons from our church that seemed to fit perfectly into where I was at wrestling through my faith.  This happened  last November when I was feeling grieved about my "thorns."  I came across a sermon from my pastor that gave me hope as it reflecting on Ephesians 4:17-22 which talks about the fact that we are a new creation under Christ.  I don't have to accept my old self anymore but just trust that Christ will work it out through me.  Does that mean that I suddenly stop sinning?  No way!  As soon as I feel too comfortable in my own skin,  I miss the entire point and can turn my perceived righteousness into a Pharisee sort of pride.  Putting the new self on, is a daily humble walk with God in which I recognize my "thorns" for what they are.  I must ask the Lord to help my unbelief and walk with me as I face both the beautiful and ugly aspects of my life.  Hopefully, in small incremental steps I can move forward and some day look back and see how changes were made in my character for the better.  For now, I am simply trying to accept me for who I am, a child of God.  As God continues to help me along, I am sure I will still need plenty of "gentle reminders" and a few "wake-up calls" here and there.

STICKS AND STONES (...picking up the pieces)

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefor I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

My personal struggles have provided opportunities to overcome some of my insecurities.  Out of my physical, financial, and relationship losses, I have given up certain expectations and learned to trust God.  When I lean on the Lord, He likes to build me up out of my greatest weakness and help me to move forward in my walk of faith.  Unfortunately, it is a lifelong process that doesn't change overnight.  When we are experiencing our weakest and most vulnerable moments, personal insecurities and unpleasant habits like to sneak up on us requiring a tremendous amount of grace and repentance on our part.  The old phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is false to the core.  Our words can bring on a life of its own and cause more damage than the deadliest weapon.  Thank the Lord, we have the "Word that Become Flesh" to restore our harmful words and actions.  God can turn around the ugliest situations for His purpose and glory.  

A Redemptive Melody : Aaron's Story

In Loving Memory of Aaron Bixler:  1995-2015

Four years ago, Pennie Bixler, founder and Leader of the Sammy's (Strength Among Many Ministry) shared on her Facebook timeline that her heart was burdened with a desire to spend the day in prayer, and she asked for specific prayer requests.  I asked for her to pray for a school friend, a war Veteran, who had just ended his life as result of a longstanding battle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Neither of us could have imagined that a week and a half later, Pennie's own beloved son, Aaron, would also give in to his battle with depression with similar tragic results.  News of Aaron's death rocked our church with sorrow and disbelief.   I didn't personally know Aaron, however, my spirit was deeply moved for the Bixler family as his sister, Bridgette, has been a friend and mentor to our teenage daughter, Annika.  There are just no words to adequately express such grief  in these circumstances.

When the Lord placed it on my heart to write about Aaron's story a year or two later, I felt humbled yet uncertain as to how I would go about this endeavor, as I felt absolutely unworthy to be entrusted with something so precious as this beautiful soul that was cherished by family and friends.  When I approached Pennie for an interview, she didn't hesitate and graciously agreed to share both her own testimony and the circumstances around her son's life and death.  I wrestled with this subject for a couple of years with a desire to give it justice, yet waiting for the Lord's prompting to put together this very personal account.  As much as I would like to tie the story together in a pretty package of victory and healing, it would be unfair to gloss over the sorrow that a family is experiencing as a result of such a tragic loss; as Pennie has shared with transparency over her personal struggle, it doesn't get easier over time.

THE BALLAD OF AARON BIXLER'S LIFE AND LEGACY

Aaron was born on October 15, 1995 to Mike and Pennie Bixler in Milwaukee, WI.  They gave birth to his younger sister and best friend, Bridgette, a little more than a year later.  The Bixler family moved to Hudson, WI from the Eau Claire area in 2005, and they have been actively involved in the Faith Community Church.  Aaron graduated from Hudson High School in 2014 and later attended the University of Wisconsin, La Crosse, where he majored in Computer Science.  Aaron could be described by his family as an introvert with wisdom beyond his years.  He was a shy and quiet young man, a very deep, logical thinker.  Aaron was most known for his big heart, love for Christ, and his enjoyment of outdoor activities such as hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, and exploring.

Aaron's mom, Pennie, frequently initiated a game to coax smiles and outbursts of laughter from her son, a game she most often would win with her "silly antics!" Pennie and Aaron often enjoyed going to the movies together.  Sometimes the movie they saw together seemed to be somewhat corny, like the time they went to see the movie "Warriors Way" and later joked that nothing could be as bad as "that movie."  To this day, Pennie celebrates Aaron's birthday by going to a movie that he would have liked, "It is my tradition."

Aaron and his sister, Bridgette, were very close.  Their friends referred to them as "Bix" and "Little Bix."  Bridgette truly admired and looked up to her big brother.  He loved traditions, and one of his favorite traditions was making his little sister's birthday special.  He would spend an "obscene amount of money" on a puzzle box that was difficult to open and put her birthday gift inside of it.  The last time they celebrated Bridgette's birthday was a few weeks before Aaron's death.  He insisted on placing relighting sparkler candles on her cake.  Aaron took great pleasure in teasing his sister.  Their relationship was very personable and special.

Aaron was beloved by friends and family alike.  His unique qualities of compassion, intelligence, and seriousness mingled with a bit of mischief and quirkiness were much enjoyed by all who knew him well!

THE REFRAIN OF AARON'S BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION

Aaron did have a dark side that most did not know about except perhaps a close friend or two.  His family did not realize the full depth of his battle with depression as they considered him to be a quiet, introverted kid, and he never shared his deepest feelings with them.  After Aaron's death, his parents asked to see his medical records which they did not have prior access because he was considered an adult.  Upon reading these records, they were shocked to discover that he had suicidal ideations since the age of nine.  Aaron was a very well behaved and compliant young man.  Pennie recalls, "He never drank or did drugs.  It made it more tragic in a way but also relieved some of the guilt."  The Bixlers were exceedingly sorrowful that they did not know that he was struggling with suicidal thoughts, "I wish I heard the word from his mouth.  We would have taken action in a heartbeat.  He would still be here, I promise you."

THE CANTICLE OF GRIEF

On the afternoon of Wednesday, April 8, 2015, Aaron, a college student UW La Crosse, showed up unexpectedly at the Bixler home with an excuse that he needed to pick something up for school.  Pennie recalls all  the small details of that last moment of seeing her son alive--loving exchanges, and telling him she loved him.  The next evening, they received a call that their abandoned truck was found at a local gun club.  No one can prepare someone for the confusion, shock, and despair Mike and Pennie experienced when they were called to the scene.  It was the most shocking moment of their lives, something you don't forget and are incapable of resolving on your own.

Pennie described her grief as a "wicked battle" involving  5 stages--"denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."  She reported that she didn't go through them in the typical order--and skipped some stages all together-- which confused and frustrated some well-meaning friends and family members who wanted to help.  The Bixlers tried to work through their grief and anguish, finding that most self help books were not at all helpful.  She described most of them as "guilt inducing" as they primarily focused on identifying the signs of suicidal thoughts so the individual can get the help he or she needed, which didn't help their situation at all.  She found that "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis was the only book that spoke to their specific circumstances, even though it was not written for survivors of suicide at all.  Pennie recalls in dealing with her grief, "There were two topics I have struggled with and could not let go until I had answers.  I was confused about God's sovereignty and how I could 'suffer well' in light of this situation." For Pennie and her family, it came down to redemption.

THE CHORUS OF A REDEEMING VOICE

"If God is for us, who can be against us?  We who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charges against God's elect?  It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn?  Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  ... For, I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love God in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8:  31b-35a, 38-39.   

Redemption seemed at first to be an unusual word choice to describe the events surrounding Aaron Bixler's death; yet as I listened to a podcast of his memorial service on our church website, that was exactly the word that God pressed into the sermon pastor Tim Prince so beautifully and tactfully expressed as he reminded family and friends that Aaron's life was ultimately redeemed by the blood of Christ shed on the cross.  Nothing can change this reality just like nothing in all of creation could separate Aaron or his family from the love of God in Christ.

 Christ's redeeming love was the only song that could pierce through the insurmountable fog of sorrow and despair as Pennie describes, "If you don't have Jesus, you don't make it through things like that as a married couple.  You don't make it through sane.  You don't make it through without feeling sorry for yourself.  You don't make it through without being mad at God, bitter, withdrawn, giving up, and feeling suicidal yourself.  But Jesus has overcome the world and He has worked this to make me more Christ like for my own good."

The Bixlers fought hard through their confusion, pain, grief, and hurt to seek redemption.  In the process, they found themselves truly humbled and changed by these unthinkable events.  Pennie admits it doesn't make the pain or grief easier over time; however, they have a renewed perspective in how they look at life itself and they are less prideful because of it.  "If we allow Christ into our battles, He will fight with us and for us.  We are changed even when our situation doesn't."

Mike and Pennie Bixler had Proverbs 3:5-6 engraved on Aaron's tombstone, 

a verse that guided them to trust in Christ's redemption power and love for their precious son

SHARING THE SONG

Pennie is now a Biblical Counselor and works to use her own experiences to help others in despair.  She is troubled when people comment that teens who say the want to commit suicide are doing it to get attention as a means of manipulation, and she urges adults to always take those statements seriously as "it is better to be safe than sorry."  When Pennie counsels those who are struggling with grief, despair, and suicidal thoughts, she encourages them to speak scripture out loud which is a powerful tool.  She has five steps that she gives counselees who describe having suicidal thoughts, asking them to promise to follow them whenever these thoughts arise.

Step 1:  Cry out to God and verbally ask him to help you overcome the desire to harm yourself.  Say out loud, "1 John 4:4 tells me I am God's child so the enemy will not win the fight because 'He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.'"

Step 2:  Recite OUT LOUD Psalm 116:5-9, "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.  The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.  Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.  For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." 

Step 3:  Connect with at least one of three people who care about you (she will make a list of names for her counselee to get in touch with).

Step 4:  If you are suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or the National Hopeline Network for help (numbers listed below).

Step 5:  If you still feel suicidal, have somebody take you to the hospital or call 911 and tell the operator you are suicidal and in danger if no one is around to take you.

Pennie urges individuals who battle suicidal thoughts to follow all these five steps, and she can testify that these steps do save lives and have greatly helped some of her most vulnerable counselees when battling suicidal ideation.  Her mission is to help as many people as possible to avoid the same outcome as her son.  With Christ's help and the right resources, there is hope.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."  Psalm 40:2

RESOURCES 

If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts please contact these hotlines which are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week:

National Suicidal Prevention Lifeline:  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

National Hopeline Network:  https://www.imalive.org/
1-800-78-SUICIDE (1-800-748-2433)

For more information about Christ's redeeming love that surpasses death, you can listen to the Eulogy given by Pastor Tim Prince at Aaron's funeral:  https://www.fcchudson.com/sermons/aaron-bixler-memorial-service

For more information about Pennie's personal testimony and the Sammy's ministry you can read my other blog article:  http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2018/05/pennies-song-part-1-fragmented-and.html

Pennie's Song: Fragmented and Transformed

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank him."  Psalm 28:7  

Our lives are songs composed by the breath of our Creator who purposes each stanza woven perfectly by His divine melody. The life melodies of some of us are soft, sweet ordinary tunes, while others wow us with their more elaborate compositions.  For Pennie Bixler, the melody of her life has been designed a complex and beautiful mixture of a haunting ballad mingled with the redeeming song of transformation and courage.  Known as a mid-western wife, mother, writer, ministry leader, and gorgeous blond who loves adventure/getting into mischief, and is on a quest for finding hearts in ordinary objects to remind her of Jesus's love, Pennie is anything but ordinary!

Pennie resides in Western Wisconsin with her husband of twenty five years, Mike, and their dog, Angel.  They have a daughter, Bridgette, who attends college in Southeast Minnesota, and a son, Aaron, who lives in heaven.   Pennie is the founder of a ministry known as Sammys (Strength Among Many Ministry), which has been in existence for eighteen years and has chapters across the state of Wisconsin and North Dakota.  Sammys is also hoping to take off in other states such as Florida and Minnesota.  Pennie would like to expand her ministry to unite women in creating a deeper relationship with Christ across the nation.  In addition to leading Sammys, Pennie is also a Biblical Counselor where she enjoys seeing God move in people's lives, transforming them to be more like His Son, Jesus Christ.

An outsider may perceive the Bixler family as having an ideal life of love, laughter, adventure, and the perfect model of Christian living.  Pennie would be the first to say that it is far from the truth.  "I'd like to say we have lived happily ever after, but the Bible isn't a fairy tale.  In fact, Jesus says that we will have trials in this world.  Thankfully Jesus also says that He has overcome the world, because I have had some major trials since I have become a Christian!"

A FRAGMENTED LULLABY

"You keep track of all of my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You recorded each one in your book."  Psalm 56:8

Pennie describes her childhood being full of heartache and painful memories.  With being the second to youngest of five children, she looks back on her attempts to stand out and be noticed at a young age.  "I was a four year-old girl, a hypochondriac like many little girls my age, limping on a foot that I bumped ever-so-lightly on a chair and moaning.  When my sister told me I bumped the other foot, I switched to limping on the other foot. I was that little girl."

As a child, Pennie was sexually molested, which later on led her to dabble into drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol.  "I have had a potty mouth, been promiscuous, and done many things in which I was ashamed.  I have not only sinned, but felt like the poster child for other people's sins.  I have broken every commandment in spirit or deed."

Pennie was a broken woman living out the fragmented lullaby of her youth, and she entered into an abusive relationship with her previous husband who she married at the age 20.  Her first husband was an alcoholic.  "I needed a Savior to deliver me not only from my sins, but also from the destruction that others' sins have poured out on me.  There was a point, married to an abuser, that I was just numb.  My tears had dried up, and I wasn't really affected by my horrible life anymore.  It just... was."

A SONG OF REDEMPTION

"Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.  The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.  Return, O my soul to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.  For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living."  Psalm  116:5-9

Pennie's marriage continued to turn a downward spiral as her first husband was having an affair with another woman and the abuse became so severe, it was life-threatening.  She was in a dire situation and desperate for a way out.  An unexpected encounter instigated the hope and redemption she needed to be set free from not only her abusive marriage but her own tragic and sinful past.

Pennie was hired to paint a mural of Noah's ark on the wall of a church's nursery.  Little did she know that the church had been praying that anyone who came through their doors would come to know Jesus, and that was where it all began.  Pennie came to know the pastor's daughter through a divine series of events, and they became best friends.  She started attending church and hung onto every word the pastor spoke, taking voracious notes.  Her friendship with the pastor's daughter and the word of truth that was delivered to her hungry soul renewed Pennie's tattered heart.  "I saw myself through her eyes as God would see me for the first time!  I already knew that Christ died for my sins and I felt responsible for His suffering, but I never knew he was coming back!  Those parts of the Bible fascinated me and I couldn't get enough.  It was in that church in the middle of nowhere that I accepted Christ about five times, just to make sure it 'stuck.'  My friend and I were ironically baptized in Lost Lake."

Pennie's song of redemption completely turned her life around and gave her the courage to leave her abusive marriage.  One night, she called and gave him an ultimatum over the phone.  Pennie stayed at her friend's house when he threatened her and told her what he was going to do to her when she came home.  She never went back and ended up getting a divorce.   As a born again Christian, Pennie embarked on a new path when she began dating a godly man from her place of employment. They eventually married and started a family of their own.  In these circumstances, she witnessed God's goodness.  The Lord was capable of redeeming her life and restoring her pain by transforming all that was marred and shattered into a beautiful image of His likeness.

THE BALLAD OF SUFFERING

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."  James 1:12

The Bixler family was the picture of happiness with two beautiful children and a marriage united under the blessings of Christ's love.  If Pennie thought that being a Christian meant that everything would be perfect and harmonious and she would finally be spared the pain and suffering of her youth, she would taste the bitter pill of reality one day when she noticed tingling in her feet.  What started out as a joke that her socks were too small became a greater concern when the tingling began to spread.  "Mike and Aaron went on a trip that morning, and when I went to church, I felt the tingling go up my entire right leg.  It was like the outside of my whole leg fell asleep.  I touched it and couldn't feel it.  I remember singing worship songs and a tear falling because I figured the next time I would be singing these songs would be in heaven with the angels.  Something was really wrong, but I did what I always did.  I told nobody."

The following day Pennie noticed that the numbness and tingling spread, and she could not feel half of her body from her feet to her face.  She could move everything but couldn't feel anything.  This was very alarming for Pennie and she told herself she didn't have time to deal with these unusual symptoms.  "I had too many things to do.  I was making cards for soldiers with my friend and our daughters and I was taking Aaron into GameStop so he could get Bridgette a game she wanted for her birthday.  What kind of mother would I be if I didn't encourage that kind of loving behavior from a brother to a sister?"

Pennie did open up to her friend while they were making the cards, and the friend convinced her to call the clinic to make an appointment.  They insisted that she come in later that day at dinnertime which gave Pennie a chance to take Aaron in to get his sister's game beforehand.  When they were on their way to the store, she called her husband Mike to ask him to make supper and then mentioned what was going on with the numbness.  Needless to say, Pennie got a scolding from her husband for not letting anyone know.

Pennie told the doctor that she thought she either had a pinched nerve or had a stroke but "obviously it's over."    The doctor explained to Pennie why it couldn't be possible to have a pinched nerve or stroke that would cause the type of numbness she was experiencing and asked her to come in the next morning for an MRI.  When she went back for the results, Pennie brought a friend along but wanted to face the doctor alone.  Her gut instincts told her it wasn't going to be good news.  Pennie connected with her doctor immediately and felt reassured to find out she was a Christian.  They prayed together while waiting for the radiologist report.  At that appointment, Pennie's life was changed forever when the report came back with lesions on the brain and a diagnosis of MS which was verified through a lumbar puncture and other less invasive tests.  The news was devastating for Pennie and her family but God would see them through.

"Since that time, I have been humbled over and over again.  I thought it was the end of the world when I had to give myself weekly injections.  Then, I thought it was the end of the world when I had to do it three times a week.  When I lost sight in part of my eye, I thought that was going to be the beginning of blindness, but my sight came back.  The difficulties seem to be progressing in difficulty, but each time God brings me through a physical ailment, it strengthens my faith and I am less concerned about the present one I am facing.  Having pain every day has made me strong.  When I am weak, I am strong.  I get that verse in a way I have never understood before.  Being brave and not a complainer is not as easy as it sounds."   

TRANSFORMED INTO A NEW SONG

"Make a Joyful Noise to the Lord:  Oh sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things!  His right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him."  Psalm 98:1

The music of Pennie Bixler's life verse has orchestrated a beautifully complex composition of heartache, courage, and redemption.  Pennie now uses this composition to reach out to others through Biblical Counseling and her Sammys ministry.  "I think the thing that helps me to be approachable and relatable to those I counsel is the fact that I can make most people feel at ease.  It is not because I am super friendly or comforting, but because there is not a lot that I can't relate to."  

God's sovereignty has been a life-lesson in playing out this composition.  She calls the "big wild card" in His sovereignty trusting the Lord.  Pennie trusts that God is who He says He is, a loving and compassionate God who loves his children.  "There is a verse that is taken out of context very often that says 'And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.' (Romans 8:28).  We have made that verse to mean that all the bad stuff that happens to us will magically knit itself together to make a pretty package of blessing for us and we will get the treasure trove wrapped in a pretty bow at the end.  Many of us don't realize that the word 'good' is translated as 'Christ likeness'  not 'excellent quality', 'morally excellent', or 'righteous.'  All those things we are enduring, God works together making us like Christ."

Living in the light of God's sovereignty has transformed Pennie's song into a mission to point others to the one who loves her despite her sinful past and all the suffering she has endured. "Every hardship I've endured is not necessarily one I would choose for myself.  Many of them, I'm pretty sure God didn't choose for me, either, but He has worked them together to make me more like His Son.  I am so grateful that good has come from them.  My personal mission is to shine the light of Jesus in everything I do.  When somebody sees me, I want them to see Jesus.  If they don't know me, I want them to notice that something is different about my heart.  I don't want to point to myself, but to Jesus.  My ministry mission is to reach the St. Croix Valley women and teach them to have close, holy relationships with Christ and each other, and that God would be glorified through it."

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:  Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.  Now to the king eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen." 1 Timothy 1:15-17 (Pennie's life verse)

To learn more about the Bixler family testimony:
http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2019/04/a-redemptive-melody-aarons-

For more information about the Sammy's ministry, you can visit their website:  
story.htmlhttps://www.sammysinc.org/about/

The Dare Part 2: Dare to Truth and Love, a Response to Social Unrest in Our Culture

THE REDEEMING SEASON

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace."  Ephesians 1:7

Recently, I have entered a season of redemption, gaining ground in my life and pursuing God's purpose.  In the first part of this "Dare" series, I explored the transforming power of God in my life as a social activist who was literally called out by God to transcend my worldly aspiration for activism into a desire to serve Him.  I have sensed His calling me to take a stand for the truth on some controversial topics.  The truth treads on dangerous ground and yet is redeeming and freeing at the same time.

About a year ago, I experienced God's prompting to pray more specifically for our country and some of the social issues we have been facing.   With the impending election, I felt troubled and was compelled to spend time on my knees petitioning on behalf of our nation.  Since then, I have experienced an increased desire to keep up to date on political and social issues of our time.  The presidential election and social responses to it has stirred up a myriad emotions across all social and political realms.  When I turn on the TV and social media, I have seen a tremendous amount of global and national unrest.  Global violence and rioting has been on the rise with concerns about terrorism, displacement of communities, persecution, martyrdom, oppression, sex trafficking, and deadly uprisings. National partisan divisions are intense when it comes to issues like political affiliation, women's health, abortion, immigration/refuges, social injustice, and race. I have witnessed differences of opinion across the board, including in the Christian church--differences that has the potential to bring division in the church body.  I have attempted to analyze these issues from various points of view and pray about all sides of this spectrum of controversy.  Our society is becoming more polarized in views, and it seems easy to jump to conclusions without getting all the facts.  In light of these events, I felt a burning desire to write about my perception on these issues, something I never dared to do before.  This Spring, KTIS Faith Radio was conducting their annual writing contest in which they were seeking stories about the issue of justice.  I felt compelled, even dared to write about global and national unrest, and this was my response.

DARE TO TRUTH AND LOVE

TV’s, smart phones, and laptops are tuned into the social unrest for the realities we engage from our modern technology lens of our worldview perception. The global nations rant, calling for blood and disunion.   A world devastated by terrorism, martyrdom, trafficking, and oppression.   A chaotic crowd of declarations screaming for social justice and change.  Our culture fractured for the encounter of division and detestation, riots and rage.  A culture of shattered voices tearing at the fabric of a fallen world unhinged by angst and indignation.  We are marginalized, dehumanized, demoralized, socialized, culturized, and polarized until some know not what we are fighting.  How do we speak hope to a nation divided by a realm of social media and misconceived realities?  How do we ascertain truth and justice from this maze of chaos for opposing views?  To prayerfully consider the articulate perceptions of all sides, by seeking truth and justice and by ignoring the name-calling polarizing rhetoric, I have come to the conclusion that our nation is hungry for restoration.  The balm for national offenses and bitter wounds calls for the Gospel to break through these collective walls and tear down our chaotic convictions for a level playing field built up by a Redeeming Grace that is foreign to worldly pursuits.

Heavenly mercies are the paradox for surpassing cultural and national dissention reformed by Sovereignty and Divine Purpose.  The God who calms the storm and stills the disorder calls out His children to be set apart for His purpose.    For our battle is truly not for “flesh and blood” and requires a converted armor of words that hold the sword power to pierce and redefine change by infinite wisdom and truth.   The battle is won only on our knees with hearts aligned with the unquenchable fire for God’s plans to be set in motion.  Let us bring out a new culture of Calebs, Daniels, Esthers, and Pauls; men and women brave enough to face their giants and bring about spiritual reformation in light of truth and mercy for “such a time as this.”  Turn our rage into “Damascus experiences”-- to emerge from the blinding, life-altering, and transcending call for justice and humble union with the Divine.  “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8)

Our pursuit for justice, kindness, and humility comes down to two things, Truth and Love!  These words are dangerous to a chaotic world of factions and partisan rifts.  It is a dare for all brave enough to rise above the frenzy and take a stand for the One who can truly redeem broken hearts and serve justice.  Dare to seek out the truth, the ultimate truth, even if it changes everything we once stood for—“and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32).  Dare to unfold the truth in the founding of our nation in its pursuit for justice and religious freedom.  Truth in our history of oppression and social battles for justice and integrity.  Truth for the lies our culture breaths to achieve distorted agendas. Truth for the Love that surpasses all these realities and brings social change for the Purpose of the Divine.  Dare to love, fiercely and unconditionally, even if it costs us everything we once held onto—“above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8-9).   Dare to love the weary and the oppressed.  To love the old man lost in a haze of forgotten memories.  To love the child marred by abuse and disease.  To love the shattered woman who walked out of the abortion clinic, leaving behind a piece of her soul.  To love the refuge torn from her very livelihood to be displaced and traumatized.  To love in God’s name by His unending mercies and grace.

We are all really broken people, sojourners in a fallen world, trying to make it the best we know how, marked by the realities of sin and disappointment.  Ultimately, we are redeemed by God’s love that abounds and calls us out of our fragmented lives to bind ourselves to His steadfast love and mercy.  The nations are shaken by His Redeeming Love when we embrace the hope and the humbleness that the Redeemer has called us to serve and offer “these little ones even a cup of cold water”(Matthew 10:24).  When we pay it forward and sacrifice some of ourselves to fill the divide with truth and love, ultimate life-altering justice and social change transpires one merciful act at a time.  Although we cannot ourselves change the climate of our culture or its social unrest, by God’s grace and power, we are resurrected into a new culture of life changers and power breakers, and His miraculous splendor emerges for those who are transformed by this dare!

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (Romans 8:37-39)

DARE TO EXAMINE THE HEART  

NFL player, Benjamin Watson expresses his perception that overcoming racial division and social unrest starts with the heart!

For more information about my perception on social issues, you can read the first part of the "Dare" series:  http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2017/05/the-dare-part-1-dare-for-redemption.html