In Loving Memory of Aaron Bixler: 1995-2015
Four years ago, Pennie Bixler, founder and Leader of the Sammy's (Strength Among Many Ministry) shared on her Facebook timeline that her heart was burdened with a desire to spend the day in prayer, and she asked for specific prayer requests. I asked for her to pray for a school friend, a war Veteran, who had just ended his life as result of a longstanding battle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Neither of us could have imagined that a week and a half later, Pennie's own beloved son, Aaron, would also give in to his battle with depression with similar tragic results. News of Aaron's death rocked our church with sorrow and disbelief. I didn't personally know Aaron, however, my spirit was deeply moved for the Bixler family as his sister, Bridgette, has been a friend and mentor to our teenage daughter, Annika. There are just no words to adequately express such grief in these circumstances.
When the Lord placed it on my heart to write about Aaron's story a year or two later, I felt humbled yet uncertain as to how I would go about this endeavor, as I felt absolutely unworthy to be entrusted with something so precious as this beautiful soul that was cherished by family and friends. When I approached Pennie for an interview, she didn't hesitate and graciously agreed to share both her own testimony and the circumstances around her son's life and death. I wrestled with this subject for a couple of years with a desire to give it justice, yet waiting for the Lord's prompting to put together this very personal account. As much as I would like to tie the story together in a pretty package of victory and healing, it would be unfair to gloss over the sorrow that a family is experiencing as a result of such a tragic loss; as Pennie has shared with transparency over her personal struggle, it doesn't get easier over time.
THE BALLAD OF AARON BIXLER'S LIFE AND LEGACY
Aaron was born on October 15, 1995 to Mike and Pennie Bixler in Milwaukee, WI. They gave birth to his younger sister and best friend, Bridgette, a little more than a year later. The Bixler family moved to Hudson, WI from the Eau Claire area in 2005, and they have been actively involved in the Faith Community Church. Aaron graduated from Hudson High School in 2014 and later attended the University of Wisconsin, La Crosse, where he majored in Computer Science. Aaron could be described by his family as an introvert with wisdom beyond his years. He was a shy and quiet young man, a very deep, logical thinker. Aaron was most known for his big heart, love for Christ, and his enjoyment of outdoor activities such as hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, and exploring.
Aaron's mom, Pennie, frequently initiated a game to coax smiles and outbursts of laughter from her son, a game she most often would win with her "silly antics!" Pennie and Aaron often enjoyed going to the movies together. Sometimes the movie they saw together seemed to be somewhat corny, like the time they went to see the movie "Warriors Way" and later joked that nothing could be as bad as "that movie." To this day, Pennie celebrates Aaron's birthday by going to a movie that he would have liked, "It is my tradition."
Aaron and his sister, Bridgette, were very close. Their friends referred to them as "Bix" and "Little Bix." Bridgette truly admired and looked up to her big brother. He loved traditions, and one of his favorite traditions was making his little sister's birthday special. He would spend an "obscene amount of money" on a puzzle box that was difficult to open and put her birthday gift inside of it. The last time they celebrated Bridgette's birthday was a few weeks before Aaron's death. He insisted on placing relighting sparkler candles on her cake. Aaron took great pleasure in teasing his sister. Their relationship was very personable and special.
Aaron was beloved by friends and family alike. His unique qualities of compassion, intelligence, and seriousness mingled with a bit of mischief and quirkiness were much enjoyed by all who knew him well!
THE REFRAIN OF AARON'S BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION
Aaron did have a dark side that most did not know about except perhaps a close friend or two. His family did not realize the full depth of his battle with depression as they considered him to be a quiet, introverted kid, and he never shared his deepest feelings with them. After Aaron's death, his parents asked to see his medical records which they did not have prior access because he was considered an adult. Upon reading these records, they were shocked to discover that he had suicidal ideations since the age of nine. Aaron was a very well behaved and compliant young man. Pennie recalls, "He never drank or did drugs. It made it more tragic in a way but also relieved some of the guilt." The Bixlers were exceedingly sorrowful that they did not know that he was struggling with suicidal thoughts, "I wish I heard the word from his mouth. We would have taken action in a heartbeat. He would still be here, I promise you."
THE CANTICLE OF GRIEF
On the afternoon of Wednesday, April 8, 2015, Aaron, a college student UW La Crosse, showed up unexpectedly at the Bixler home with an excuse that he needed to pick something up for school. Pennie recalls all the small details of that last moment of seeing her son alive--loving exchanges, and telling him she loved him. The next evening, they received a call that their abandoned truck was found at a local gun club. No one can prepare someone for the confusion, shock, and despair Mike and Pennie experienced when they were called to the scene. It was the most shocking moment of their lives, something you don't forget and are incapable of resolving on your own.
Pennie described her grief as a "wicked battle" involving 5 stages--"denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance." She reported that she didn't go through them in the typical order--and skipped some stages all together-- which confused and frustrated some well-meaning friends and family members who wanted to help. The Bixlers tried to work through their grief and anguish, finding that most self help books were not at all helpful. She described most of them as "guilt inducing" as they primarily focused on identifying the signs of suicidal thoughts so the individual can get the help he or she needed, which didn't help their situation at all. She found that "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis was the only book that spoke to their specific circumstances, even though it was not written for survivors of suicide at all. Pennie recalls in dealing with her grief, "There were two topics I have struggled with and could not let go until I had answers. I was confused about God's sovereignty and how I could 'suffer well' in light of this situation." For Pennie and her family, it came down to redemption.
THE CHORUS OF A REDEEMING VOICE
"If God is for us, who can be against us? We who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charges against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? ... For, I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love God in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8: 31b-35a, 38-39.
Redemption seemed at first to be an unusual word choice to describe the events surrounding Aaron Bixler's death; yet as I listened to a podcast of his memorial service on our church website, that was exactly the word that God pressed into the sermon pastor Tim Prince so beautifully and tactfully expressed as he reminded family and friends that Aaron's life was ultimately redeemed by the blood of Christ shed on the cross. Nothing can change this reality just like nothing in all of creation could separate Aaron or his family from the love of God in Christ.
Christ's redeeming love was the only song that could pierce through the insurmountable fog of sorrow and despair as Pennie describes, "If you don't have Jesus, you don't make it through things like that as a married couple. You don't make it through sane. You don't make it through without feeling sorry for yourself. You don't make it through without being mad at God, bitter, withdrawn, giving up, and feeling suicidal yourself. But Jesus has overcome the world and He has worked this to make me more Christ like for my own good."
Mike and Pennie Bixler had Proverbs 3:5-6 engraved on Aaron's tombstone,
a verse that guided them to trust in Christ's redemption power and love for their precious son
SHARING THE SONG
Pennie is now a Biblical Counselor and works to use her own experiences to help others in despair. She is troubled when people comment that teens who say the want to commit suicide are doing it to get attention as a means of manipulation, and she urges adults to always take those statements seriously as "it is better to be safe than sorry." When Pennie counsels those who are struggling with grief, despair, and suicidal thoughts, she encourages them to speak scripture out loud which is a powerful tool. She has five steps that she gives counselees who describe having suicidal thoughts, asking them to promise to follow them whenever these thoughts arise.
Step 1: Cry out to God and verbally ask him to help you overcome the desire to harm yourself. Say out loud, "1 John 4:4 tells me I am God's child so the enemy will not win the fight because 'He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.'"
Step 2: Recite OUT LOUD Psalm 116:5-9, "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living."
Step 3: Connect with at least one of three people who care about you (she will make a list of names for her counselee to get in touch with).
Step 4: If you are suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or the National Hopeline Network for help (numbers listed below).
Step 5: If you still feel suicidal, have somebody take you to the hospital or call 911 and tell the operator you are suicidal and in danger if no one is around to take you.
Pennie urges individuals who battle suicidal thoughts to follow all these five steps, and she can testify that these steps do save lives and have greatly helped some of her most vulnerable counselees when battling suicidal ideation. Her mission is to help as many people as possible to avoid the same outcome as her son. With Christ's help and the right resources, there is hope.
"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2
RESOURCES
If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts please contact these hotlines which are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week:
National Suicidal Prevention Lifeline: http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
National Hopeline Network: https://www.imalive.org/
1-800-78-SUICIDE (1-800-748-2433)
For more information about Christ's redeeming love that surpasses death, you can listen to the Eulogy given by Pastor Tim Prince at Aaron's funeral: https://www.fcchudson.com/sermons/aaron-bixler-memorial-service
For more information about Pennie's personal testimony and the Sammy's ministry you can read my other blog article: http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2018/05/pennies-song-part-1-fragmented-and.html
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