THE LETTER
"As the deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." Psalm 42:1-2
One chilly afternoon, I stood in our kitchen holding the envelope my youngest son delivered from the mailbox. I was trembling with anticipation and overwhelmed emotions as I ran to my bedroom to privately read the news. The contents of that letter held what seemed like the very future for me and our family. My concerned teenage daughter raced after me to find out what was wrong. My shaking hands opened up the letter, sobs of relief pouring from me as I cried on her shoulder. All my worry and heartache were summed up in those pages, and it was finally over! But was it? The letter that suggested a favorable outcome indicated another wait was in store for us. "I can wait a while longer," I told myself. By then, I felt like an expert at waiting. I would continue dragging through the days bracing against the mounting tension that would be relieved with the final confirmation. We didn't know what exactly to expect or how long we had to wait, but waiting we would do. My heart beat the pace of expectation that very soon our prayers would be answered, and I could rest easy in the outcome.
Two months later, I was sitting in the garden, breaking up the soil, and pouring my soul out in the stillness of quiet sunbathed labor. I looked up from my dusky hands to see my husband holding another piece of mail, the outcome that held the answer to several excruciating years of prayers. Family members and friends had been rallying for us in this desert season. Now it seemed like the rain had finally arrived. My countless restless nights with a heavy heart were coming to an end. I anticipated this outcome to be the event that would provide stability to lift me up on solid ground. I imagined the very moment that I would be praising God, my spirit dancing for joy. But, when he opened the envelope and showed me its contents, I experienced an unexpected emptiness in my spirit, a dull ache that wanted to ask for more. My mind began to run amuck with "what ifs", listing all the other needs we had. At that very moment, I was startled with the stark realization that it wasn't enough. It would never be enough.
THE MEDAL
"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1
On a sweltering August day, my husband and I stood before our flat screen television to watch one of the medal ceremonies for the 2016 Summer Olympics. When we witnessed the legendary swimmer Michael Phelps receive yet another gold medal, my heart swelled with pride for America. My thoughts were mingled with joy and sadness for the talented Olympian when unexpectedly the words came out, "I feel sorry for Michael Phelps." My husband turned and looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, "How so?" It must have sounded strange. Michael Phelps was the most decorated Olympian ever, an exceptional swimmer of epic proportions that no other athlete could touch. Who was I, an unassuming and physically weak person, the complete opposite of this legendary icon, to say such an outrageous thing?
Just the day before, I watched an interview with Phelps, describing his battle with depression and substance abuse. He openly shared his story, expressing his loss of identity when he entered into some of the darkest places of his life. Later that day, in another interview, Phelps told reporters that he had been able to overcome his personal battle. With a newborn son and a gorgeous fiance, his life had purpose and meaning. I saw Michael Phelps's success as an outstanding Olympic swimmer and his desire to enjoy a satisfying future with both his wife and son as commendable objectives to achieve. I sincerely wanted him to experience contentment in his life, but would it be enough?
The truth is that as long as we look to success, status, and relationships for our happiness, we will end up feeling dry and empty inside. When the spotlight is over, what is next? It is human nature that our loved ones, our children, and our friends will eventually disappoint us and let us down. When we look to worldly and temporary things for satisfaction, we will be left thirsty for something sustainable. Worldly cravings will never be fully satisfied. It is never enough.
THE HEALING
"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land." Psalm 143:5-6
Astonishingly, things did not go as anyone expected as Jesus looked upon the man and said to him, "Son, your sins are forgiven." (Mark 2:5) The scribes and Pharisees must have gasped in horror as they grumbled to themselves, "Why does this man speak like that? He is blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?" (Mark 2:7) Perceiving their troubled thoughts, Jesus looked to the scribes and asked them "Why do you question these things in your hearts? Which is easier to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, take your bed, and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins" (He said to the man who was paralyzed) "I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home." (Mark 2:9-11) With his legs restored and his spirit overflowing with an elation that glorified God, the man was healed! The air in that place must have been electrified with astonishment and wonder as the throng pondered over what they just witnessed, their minds whirling with unanswered questions. Who is this Man and why did He tell the lame man his sins were forgiven instead of just outright healing him?
Pastor Porter pointed out that Christ, the Author of Life, perceived beyond the physical element of this broken man to penetrate the depths of his soul. If Jesus only healed the physical self without addressing the deeper substance of his heart, would it have been enough or would the man be thirsty for more? Would it be enough? I sat in my chair breathless at the thought, pondering my own broken body. Did I dare ask for healing again when it seemed like I hit one road block after another? Why was Christ silent to my requests? Why didn't He say to me, "Darcee, rise up and be healed!"? Perhaps He was digging into the unseen, the ugly and sinful places found in the recesses of my heart. Maybe He reached deep into my soul and saw something I couldn't. Would I be satisfied if I was healed? Would it be enough? Could I trust in God's sovereignty to show me something greater than what my human nature craved so that He could teach me glorious things? Maybe He saw a thirst in me that would not be fully quenched if I were to get my way. Perhaps healing at that moment would not be enough.
THE BREAD
"Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.'" John 6:35
Two thousand years ago, the Messiah stood before the crowds in a desolate place, weary from the road of suffering and needing solitude to refresh His spirit. Ignoring His own discomfort, the Lord pushed aside His needs with humble compassion for a multitude of lost humanity hungry for something they could not attain in their world of darkness and oppression. He recognized not only their physical appetite for bread but their spiritual hunger for grace. Imagine the bewilderment of His apostles when He commanded them to feed this unexpected dinner party of five thousand. Five loaves of bread and two fish would never be enough! "Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied." (Matthew 14:13-21)
Later on the crowds came to Jesus seeking more of His miracle bread; their minds were unable to conceive the depth of their true hunger. Calling them out for their motives Jesus told them, "Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has set his seal." (John 6:27) In ancient times, God gave His people the manna bread from heaven and now Jesus was offering the ravenous crowds the "true bread from heaven" when He announced, "For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." (John 6:33) Jesus declared Himself the "Bread of Life", "For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life." (John 6:40) Their supernatural Bread stood before them willing to redeem, heal, restore, and satisfy them; however, they were not ready to be filled with the very Life that would ease their hunger.
It seems like I have spent most of my life stuffing my time with activities to occupy my mind, whether it be books, journals, television, movies, music, or games--anything for a diversion. I have been restless with an innate hunger to fill myself to the brim as if to crowd out the intangible, avoiding something that was disquieting and insatiable. Maybe I was emotionally fleeing from my past or drowning out the still small voice that was whispering for redemption. How is it that when we fill our lives up, the more hollow we become? Filled to emptiness, we miss out on that which can truly satisfy, the beautiful body of Christ offered freely to us by His gospel. It is so simple yet how quickly we forget and miss it all together. Our humanness can be blind to the Glory right in front of us, the Peace that surpasses understanding and is calling us to be set free from the chains of hollow distraction so that we can be filled by His unconditional love. Without the "Bread of Life" it is never enough.
THE PROMISE
"Then he said to me, 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost.'" Revelation 22:13
How many times are we consumed with the words "if only?" If only, I would get that promotion. If only we would break free from our debts. If only I could lose 20 pounds. If only our child would come back to us. If only I would be healed. The world offers us the game changers-- those unobtainable aspirations built on a facade of fruitless hopes and empty dreams that are never enough to satisfy the cravings of the soul.
Christ offered Himself up as the contradiction for a new game changer, the bleeding hope that resurrects itself from grave of sorrow to harvest the unexpected glory that offers a lasting promise of eternal satisfaction. Out of death springs beautiful glorious life. "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." (John 12:24) All the Lord asks of us is to have the courage to love Him first so that when we let go of our worldly hunger and die to self, we can obtain the true "Bread of Life" that will produce a beautiful harvest that transforms our "light and momentary afflictions" into glorious spiritual fruit "preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond comparison." (2 Corinthians 4:18)
Do I have the courage to quiet the diversions and be still my soul before the promised springs of living water for the things that are unseen and eternal? Can I trust the Lord to fill those empty voids, cleaning out the cobwebs of my sorrows and pressing His wounds into my fractured dry soul thirsty for His fulfilled promises? By the grace of God, fill me up daily with these promises that I will be satisfied and complete in Him. He is enough!
"And let the one who hears say, 'Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price." Revelation 22:17
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