Out of the Labyrinth Part 2: Lessons I've Learned from Chronic Illness

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  Jeremiah 29:11

On August 18, 2011, I started this blog, Broken Places, sensing that God wanted me to expose my physical, emotional, and spiritual brokenness to a hurting and broken world.  At that time, I was unaware of what was causing my physical symptoms and that I was merely on the edge of exploring the depths of true brokenness and suffering.  Two months later, my world was rocked when I listened to a radio interview about Lyme disease hosted by author and speaker, Susie Larson.  Awareness about Lyme disease changed everything for me, and the journey of exploring broken places and the labyrinth of navigating chronic Lyme and chronic illness began.  In my journey, I plodded through a deep and long valley requiring me to blindly follow my Shepherd through this labyrinth.

Now, here I am almost six years later, working on my 37th article and looking back at my experience.  As I view my journey from the mountaintop of fresh mercies, it feels surreal.  I am sitting here at my keyboard with a feeling of expectation and a sense of unexplained joy, like a warrior who has been in the pit of the battle.  A warrior burned in the fire that came out stronger and more confident.  A warrior who is walking on the holy ground of God's supernatural healing grace.   In my last article, I reviewed some of the steps I have taken to heal through the recovery and aftermath of being infected with Lyme disease several times over a period of approximately eight years.  Now, I would like to reflect on the spiritual journey I have embraced through God's supernatural guidance and loving grace that has been sufficient for the battle.

BREAKING FREE FROM THE STATUS QUO

When you struggle with a chronic health condition for an extended period of time, your concept of "normal" eventually shifts to adapt to your circumstances and limitations.  The "new normal" can become an acceptable part of who you are and can threaten to define you.  This is certainly what I experienced.  I felt like I was in a rut in which it was easier to be comfortable with my limitations than fight to gain ground back physically.  If I wanted more, wouldn't I be questioning God's sovereignty?  Maybe this was all there was and all He wanted for me.  Over a period of several years, I had numerous stressful circumstances weighing me down and other factors that were in place that seemed to be drowning out my fight and will to heal.  I think I was slowly giving up and giving in. The ice bucket of reality hit me when I was forced to move significantly backwards by two reinfections with Lyme disease in a six-month time frame.  With the second infection, a major relapse of symptoms woke up my desire for improved health.  I then came to realize that my thought process was distorted, and I was ready to take back my life.

GRIEF AND JOY

"Therefor, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."   Hebrews 12:1-2 

Just as there is a fine line between accepting a situation as a part of God's sovereignty and being motivated to seek new ground in the battle; there is also a fine line between grief and joy in suffering. Grieving a physical loss is a lengthy and complicated process, especially when it involves multiple layers and new losses through physical gains and debilitating setbacks.  Last winter, my grief became almost unbearable when someone from my church pointed out how much I have been robbed in my health struggles.  It hit me like a sack of bricks in the gut, and I felt groans of pain that words could never describe.  My deep piercing grief transformed into the foundation brokenness God needed to plant His seeds of transforming grace to manifest beautifully painful joy in my spirit.  Perhaps, that is a measure of why He allowed His beloved Son to endure unfathomable suffering.  His most precious Treasure was spit on, mocked, humiliated, beaten, tortured, and ultimately separated from God's love while being nailed to a tree--the most inhumane form of execution anyone has ever experienced.  Who can understand this sacrifice of grief, humiliation, and joy bundled up in a redeeming package?

I have witnessed various levels of grief from those who have battled chronic Lyme disease and have been astounded by the courage and strength many have demonstrated as they experience their individual battles.  On several occasions, these Lyme warriors shared their own experiences of making sacrifices to be thankful.  Some have been as bold to say they wouldn't trade their pain for anything because it gave them the opportunity to see God's transforming grace in their life.  They joyfully endure because they are sharing in Christ's suffering on the cross and recognize the harvest He is planting through this experience.  This a concept the world does not understand, yet God has the power to resurrect suffering and grief into a beautiful new creation.

AM I ALL IN?

When our lives are marred by circumstances beyond our control, we can throw our hands up in the air in either defeat or submission to the unseen and faithful Creator of the universe Who is ultimately in control of all things.  With the battle lines drawn, we are unable to change our circumstances, but we can change how we respond to them.   To be "all in" is a very personal spiritual experience in which we take the risk and "trust the Lord with all our heart" as we "lean not on our own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). I have found that there is no cookie cutter step in this process, and that is the remarkable unexplained mystery of experiencing a personal relationship with the Lord.  When we take that leap of faith and jump blindly into the unknown waters of redemption, we experience the terrifyingly beautiful expanse of grace bestowed upon us by a loving Redeemer.

When I came to the crossroads of facing my "all in" faith dilemma, I tentatively tested out the murky waters of an unknown territory.  Could I endure with persistent faith in the steep uphill journey my Creator has called me even if I could not see an end in sight?  The kingdom path is treacherous, but for me it was the only path I could take.  When my health battle engulfed me years ago, I picked up the Bible to search for hope and answers.  Since then, I have read the entire Bible more than six times, read numerous Christian books and devotionals, worked through at least a dozen individual inductive Bible studies, and filled multiple notebooks and journals with prayers, personal thoughts/reflections, and lists. These aren't bragging rights, and it has been an extremely humbling experience for me to wrestle through my faith in this painfully real way.  These studies and reflections have been my anchor and connection to the Unseen--the Faithful One, the only one Who could truly understand the depths of my pain and need for Him.

ANSWERED PRAYERS

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7

Hebrews 1:11 says that "faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."  How do we have faith when our prayers go unanswered--our lives marked by weeks, months, or years of enduring and battling deep personal suffering?  I can testify to the heartache of plodding through unbearable times of seemingly unanswered prayers, stress and worry weighing me down like a load of bricks.   I tried different methods to offset these stressful moments and found the combination of a gratitude and prayer journal to be the best antidote to facing my fears of the unknown.  In taking writer and blogger, Ann Voskamp's, "joy dare", I have embraced her Eucharist ideology that "thanksgiving always proceeds the miracle" by making a conscious effort to give thanks in all circumstances.   I make bedtime my personal Eucharist experience when I take a moment to list the joyful gifts God has given as well as embrace the painful aspects of my spiritual walk, which Ann likes to call the "ugly beautiful."  Next to my gratitude list, I keep a list of prayers requests for specific things that I am wrestling through.  Any time something new comes up that causes me worry and stress, I write it down and give it to the Lord.  The last couple of years, my prayer list was compounded with numerous stressful events.  Sometimes it seemed like our family was being crushed by impossibly surreal circumstances that loaded my spirit with the weight of worry.  Tempted to give in to my worry, I endured these trials and kept bringing them back to the Lord over and over again.  Then, last spring, the answers to numerous prayers started to come in so swiftly, I felt breathless in awe at what the Lord was doing.  Looking back at those desperate words crammed in the pages of my journal with tiny check marks beside them, I find a tangible testimony of God's powerful sovereignty that brings all things together under His reign by His perfect timing.  The reality is that "in this world we will have trouble" but I will continue to "take heart" that my Redeemer "has overcome the world" (John 16:33).

EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL HEALING

              The emotional and spiritual journey of healing through chronic illness has been an agonizing yet rewarding process for me as I have blindly turned to God for His supernatural strength and hope to carry me through. As we carry our layers of grief, loaded by the traumatic events of our past and the burdens of guilt, we need a Redeemer to release these burdens from our spirit.  Just as our family friend and mentor, Ron, advised me to release all things to Christ and "nail it to the cross" because "that is what He died for", I have been grateful to have these burdens divinely lifted from my conscience so that I can truly experience the joy of walking free in the Lord.  I wasn't set free from my burdens of grief until I was torn down by hardship and disease to be lifted up by the hands that were once nailed to a tree so that I could trust in God's sovereignty free of guilt and insecurity. I now make it a regular habit to watch for the emerging tide of grief, guilt, and shame that threaten to encroach me so that I can prayerfully release them to the Lord through a process of sanctification and renewing the mind.  I also reflect on the attributes of the fruit of the Spirit, asking God to imprint my life with His "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control" (Galatians 5:22-23).  My journey of emotional freedom and embracing the gift of God's fruit has uplifted me to greater depths of joy and praise.  When I keep my eyes and my heart upward, I feel light, free, and at peace! 

OUT OF THE LABYRINTH

"Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!"  Psalm 31:24

 I look back at my labyrinth journey with few regrets because I know that God redeems all things.  His gentle scarred hands have the power to take the ugly and painful aspects of our lives and use them to sanctify us so that we are able to give back to this hurting world.  I pray that my story will testify others who are in the labyrinth to not give up as they look to the Redeemer of all things and find strength to keep going despite what barriers seem to hold them back. Recently, I have experienced a renewed stirring in my soul.  My heart is consumed with a burning desire to let go of the disease that has defined me for too long and to thrive in whatever new journey the Lord leads me to.  There is much to do and to live for, and I thank the Lord for my joyful resolve to move forward!

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, with my song I give thanks to him."  Psalm 28:8

For more information about my Lyme labyrinth healing journey you can read the first part of this article:  http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2017/01/out-of-labyrinth-part-1-healing-through.html

Here is the original reflection of my Lyme labyrinth experience:  http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2016/09/the-lyme-labyrinth-crushed-spirit.html

RESOURCES

I am not a doctor or an expert on Lyme disease. The information in this article is based solely on personal experience and discussions with other individuals who have struggled with Chronic Lyme disease and is not intended for purposes diagnosis or treatment.   For more information about Lyme disease and my journey, you can read the following articles I have written.

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2012/12/chronic-lyme-disease.html

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2012/11/enduring-winter-my-battle-with-lyme.html
 
http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2015/07/the-good-fight-my-lyme-relapse.html

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-voices-of-lyme-voice-of-suffering.html

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-voices-of-lyme-voice-of-suffering-2.html

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-voices-of-lyme-voice-of-hope-nancys.html

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2014/12/the-voices-of-lyme-voice-of-youth.html

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2015/02/the-voices-of-lyme-voice-of-battle.html