When I started this blog in 2011, I believed that I was coming off of a
time of tribulation in my life, expecting that things would only get
better. I figured that I would be able to inspire others by sharing my
personal testimony and bring hope in the lives of those struggling with
personal difficulties. What I didn't anticipate was that it was just the
tip of the iceberg. In August of last year, I wrote what I believed to be
my personal testimony in “Broken for His Glory”. During that time, I described
what seemed to me a very long and weary struggle with chronic vertigo, pain,
and weakness. Surely, things could not
get any worse! Looking back, I realize
that during that time, I was being prepared to endure a long winter in the
wilderness. As my health spiraled
downward, I entered a deep cold spiritual darkness. I was beyond disappointed. I just
couldn't understand where I went wrong, so I decided to take a break from my
blog while I sorted things out. It
was a very long winter to endure, but God carried me through it.
WHERE WINTER BEGAN
The summer of 20ll was a very special time for my kids and
I. They absolutely loved having their mom home
with them. We took daily walks in the
neighborhood, weekly trips to the library and park together, and even spent a
couple of days at the beach. I tried to ignore my weakness and dizziness
as much as possible hoping it would eventually go away. Towards the end
of the summer, I began to notice new symptoms emerging. The
pain spread from my upper back, neck, and shoulders to my ribs and
chest. I started having very sharp chest pains that compromised my
breathing. Where I should have been getting stronger from my daily physical therapy exercises, I was becoming weaker. It was becoming increasingly difficult to participate in outings with the family and church activities.
The pain and weakness eventually spread to my arms and legs, further
compromising my mobility. I knew something wasn't right yet I couldn't pinpoint what it
was. By early October my exercise program and life as I knew it came to a
screeching halt.
SEEKING ANSWERS
Around that time, I listened to a pod cast on KTIS from Susie Larson
that changed my outlook on everything.
In the pod cast, she interviewed author, Brandilyn Collins, about a
disease called Lyme Disease. I met Susie earlier that year, and heard part
of her testimony of how chronic Lyme Disease impacted her life and became the
“platform” for her ministry. I did not know much about the disease itself
until I listened to the interview. As both Brandilyn and Susie shared their
personal experiences, I realized that they were describing some of my
own symptoms. I went on Brandilyn’s website and started researching the
disease.
I discussed this with my husband and talked about it with my doctor. She tested me for Lyme Disease, and I only tested positive for one out of the five titers, which by CDC standards is considered a negative test. Thankfully, my doctor understood that standard Lyme tests are not always reliable. They often show false negatives. In own my research, I discovered that doctors are often unable to treat chronic Lyme Disease as standard antibiotic treatments do not kill the disease. In fact, many doctors refuse to believe that such a condition such as chronic Lyme Disease even exists. It has become a very controversial subject in the medical community. My doctor was very caring and compassionate and seemed to totally understand implications of this disease. She agreed to prescribe a 21-day dose of doxicyclin, the standard procedure for treating Lyme Disease. She told me that her hands were otherwise tied. She was unable to treat me further, and I would need to find someone who could. She said she could try referring to an infectious disease physician, however most specialists would follow the CDC standard for the disease and would not pursue it further. She did mention the name of a doctor who specializes in Lyme Disease and also suggested I look into an alternative care practitioner from a neighboring town whom successfully treated another of her patients with the disease. I knew there was not going to be any easy answers in this. Then, the path towards complete brokenness began.
I discussed this with my husband and talked about it with my doctor. She tested me for Lyme Disease, and I only tested positive for one out of the five titers, which by CDC standards is considered a negative test. Thankfully, my doctor understood that standard Lyme tests are not always reliable. They often show false negatives. In own my research, I discovered that doctors are often unable to treat chronic Lyme Disease as standard antibiotic treatments do not kill the disease. In fact, many doctors refuse to believe that such a condition such as chronic Lyme Disease even exists. It has become a very controversial subject in the medical community. My doctor was very caring and compassionate and seemed to totally understand implications of this disease. She agreed to prescribe a 21-day dose of doxicyclin, the standard procedure for treating Lyme Disease. She told me that her hands were otherwise tied. She was unable to treat me further, and I would need to find someone who could. She said she could try referring to an infectious disease physician, however most specialists would follow the CDC standard for the disease and would not pursue it further. She did mention the name of a doctor who specializes in Lyme Disease and also suggested I look into an alternative care practitioner from a neighboring town whom successfully treated another of her patients with the disease. I knew there was not going to be any easy answers in this. Then, the path towards complete brokenness began.
SUBMITTING TO BROKENNES
I started the round of antibiotics and soon began herxing as my
body could not handle all the toxins released from the dying off bacteria. I was weak and listless, completely giving in
to the disease. I spent 6 weeks in bed
90 % of the time. During that time, I
lost more than 30 pounds. When trying to walk across the room, I often
would loose my balance and fall over. My
legs ached and frequently felt like they would give out when I tried to stand. The pain spread throughout my entire body.
My husband, Mel, was working long hours and was not able to be home
much. During the day, I was home alone
with my active one-year-old, terrified that something might happen to me and there would not be anyone to supervise him. I had very little energy and was forced to parent my little guy from my bed. At noon, I would drag myself out of bed, heat something to eat in the
microwave, and we both would sit on my bed and share it. After lunch, we usually took a nap together.
Every afternoon, my 6th grader would walk home from the bus
stop, only to turn around and walk another quarter of a mile to pick up her
little brother. Then, I would attempt to
drag myself out of bed to try to prepare something for my kids for supper,
often feeling too weak to finish. Many
evenings, my daughter had to either cook supper or finish what I started. My kids frequently set up picnics on my bed so that we could all have
supper together. It was a scary and
troubling time for them.
My husband, Mel, struggled with seeing me suffer and feeling helpless
to do anything about it. Through all of
this, he has been very committed to see our family through this. He had a great deal of responsibility on his
shoulders providing for our family, making sure the kids made it to school and
their extracurricular activities, and doing all the family shopping. He often chose to push his feelings aside to
keep the household going.
DESPERATE FOR HOPE
I started researching doctors and making phone calls, discovering the
difficulty and expense of getting in to see a “Lyme Literate Doctor.” These
doctors are often unable to bill insurance for their services and will charge
several thousands of dollars for lab fees and other services. I finally did find a “Lyme Literate Doctor”
who would see new patients and wasn't quite as expensive; however, I would still
have to wait a few months to get in to see her.
I made the appointment with a feeling that this was not want God wanted
for me. I researched the side affects of
the long-term use of IV antibiotics and the damage it does to your body. It just didn't seem right for me. I also contacted an alternative care
practitioner that my doctor recommended.
His receptionist put me on a one-year waiting list and said she would
call me back in a few months to let me know where I was on the waiting list. It didn't look good.
I felt like I needed to do something and decided to try treating myself
using holistic medicine. I borrowed a
book from a friend who’s family member had self-treated herself for the
disease. I got online and ordered several disease-killing supplements
recommended by the author of this book.
My symptoms were only worsening, and I was desperate for any kind of
hope or healing. I found out medicating
myself without the supervision of a practitioner was a huge mistake for
me. I was having severe adverse
reactions to the supplements so I stopped taking them.
Meanwhile, I was having Parkinson’s-like tremors throughout my
body--especially in my hands, mouth, and eyes.
I would lie in bed awake at night, my eyes rapidly twitching and my
mouth having tremors. Lights seemed to
make the tremors and vertigo worse, and I could not tolerate much light. My world was darkness to
me. I started having terrifying episodes
in which the room started spinning really fast.
During these episodes, I would have severe brain fog and couldn't concentrate
or focus. Parts of my face would feel
numb, my vision would go blurry, and I would have tremors throughout my
body. This brought on a lot of anxiety
and fear of having a seizure or dying.
My life seemed out of control.
At times I felt like I had completely lost hope, and I entertained
thoughts that I was probably dying. I
remember calling a mentor from my church, and I told her that I thought I was
going to die. I said that I had given up
hope. She told me, “Let me lend you my
hope for a while” and then prayed for me.
I spent sleepless nights clinging to my Bible and reading fragments of
Bible verses, desperate for an answer from God that I would survive this
winter.
A BEND IN THE ROAD
Several people had recommended the alternative care practitioner I was
on a waiting list to see, stating he has helped many people in our region who
have suffered from Lyme Disease and other related illnesses. As a result of prayer, my husband, Mel, and I
both believed that God was confirming that I needed to see this
practitioner. One November day last
year, a woman from our church contacted me and said that she had an appointment to
see this practitioner for initial testing in a couple of weeks, and God had
confirmed for her that she needed to give me her appointment. I was astounded. That day, the receptionist called me to
scheduled the appointment. My family and
I were extremely relieved that I would have the guidance of a practitioner. God worked it out when everything seemed impossible. To me it was a miracle. I will always be grateful to the woman who
gave me her appointment. She has now
become a very dear friend.
When I went in for the testing,
my practitioner told me he found multiple complicated issues involving harmful substances in my body, damage from over-use of antibiotics, sensitivity to electromagnetic
frequencies, and numerous other health problems. He told me that the testing would reveal my health problems step by step like peeling an onion. It would be an extremely lengthy and complex
process. My nervous system had significant damage to it, and it would take a
long time to undo the damage. We would
start by addressing my sensitivity to electromagnetic frequencies, which would
interfere with my treatments if we didn't address them first. I had to wait more than a month, trying out
some new equipment at home before starting my treatments. Based on the findings of my testing, my
practitioner would choose the problems that were causing the biggest damage to
my body and work on eliminating those problem areas. I would also be taking
treatments that would give my brain, nervous system, and bodily organs the
“support” needed to heal.
LEARNING TO WAIT AND TRUST
The most difficult part of starting a new alternative therapy was waiting.
With conventional medicine, you typically go to the doctor, share your
symptoms, and the doctor might run some labs or other tests. Then, the doctor often prescribes a
medication that usually has some type of immediate reaction or result to treat
certain symptoms. With alternative
therapy, it is a much slower process because the practitioner is most often
trying to address the source of the problem instead of the symptoms. You may also
experience what is called a “healing crisis” which means that you have certain
adverse symptoms while your body is healing. The adverse symptoms usually go away over time.
From the beginning, I put a lot of faith in God and made the decision to trust that He would see me through this. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but so worth it. I started treatments the first of January, however it took a few months of detoxing chemicals before my body was ready to treat viruses and illnesses. Lyme Disease is often associated with various co-infections. Over time, I had contracted several viruses, bacterial and fungal infections, and other pathogens. Their symptoms seemed to overlap each other. As I slowly worked on them, I was able to pinpoint specific symptoms that I was having and understand how the disease or condition affected them. Just knowing and understanding what was going on had taken a huge load off my shoulders.
From the beginning, I put a lot of faith in God and made the decision to trust that He would see me through this. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but so worth it. I started treatments the first of January, however it took a few months of detoxing chemicals before my body was ready to treat viruses and illnesses. Lyme Disease is often associated with various co-infections. Over time, I had contracted several viruses, bacterial and fungal infections, and other pathogens. Their symptoms seemed to overlap each other. As I slowly worked on them, I was able to pinpoint specific symptoms that I was having and understand how the disease or condition affected them. Just knowing and understanding what was going on had taken a huge load off my shoulders.
As I slowly worked through the complex layers of my health, I would see
bits and pieces of my health come back.
My improvements started out with small things like sleeping better at
night, being able to get out of bed during the day, and tolerating natural
light. My husband bought me a cane,
which was a huge blessing to me despite my embarrassment with using it in
public. It helped me to get around more,
and I was able to go outside without fear of loosing my balance and
falling.
SEEING THE LIGHT
It took many months of treatments and alternative therapy before I
really did start noticing significant improvements in my health. I was thrilled to experience some days
without any vertigo at all. My energy
level suddenly started improving, and the pain was slowly getting better. I was delighted to be able to clean my
house! I was praising while cooking and
cleaning! Working and praising God has
been a wonderful feeling! Over the
summer, I went on occasional walks with Mel and the kids, but most often could
only make it a short distance. The day I
walked a whole mile was a true day of praise!
I have been truly blessed to see my family and friends rejoice with
me. Finding pleasure in the small things
adds a new sweetness to life I've never known before.
BROKEN AND RENEWED
Before my illness, my heart was hard and my relationship with God had become a little dry. This journey has softened my heart and built up my character through sanctification. God has demonstrated his love for me through answered prayer, blessings from friends and family, and the love that has been poured out to our family by members of our church.
Before my illness, my heart was hard and my relationship with God had become a little dry. This journey has softened my heart and built up my character through sanctification. God has demonstrated his love for me through answered prayer, blessings from friends and family, and the love that has been poured out to our family by members of our church.
There have been several things that have helped me get through this period
of winter. I found spiritual healing
through prayer and submitting everything to God by declaring that I am not the
one in control. I finally found the
peace I was seeking by merely realizing that there is no true formula for
healing. Early on, I spent quite a few
nights, having it out with God, fighting the devil, and crying out in
anguish. I read a few books offering
suggested prayers and techniques for freedom and healing, however I started
using them as an attempt to manipulate God into doing things my way. I can say that the prayers and techniques I
learned in these books have been helpful for dealing with some of my emotions
and strengthening my spiritual walk, but I discovered that I needed to stop trying
so hard. It wasn't until I realized that
it was God’s will that I suffer for a while that I finally decided to stop
fighting. Then, I really could submit to his will and receive true peace “that
surpasses all understanding”. I started
setting aside an hour each day reading God’s word and just talking to him in
prayer. Those times have become very
sweet and comforting to me. My tension
and stress has often been released through His presence.
I have frequent contact my mom who lives far away, and she has always
encouraged me to not give up hope. I
have appreciated all the love and support she has given me throughout this
season. My husband has also shown me a
vast amount of love and support. His
unconditional love and strength has been a firm foundation in my life. God has put a handful of friends in my life who have been committed to
pray for me and my family. I have networked with a couple of ladies in particular have
struggled with their own chronic health problems. We keep in touch with each other on a
frequent basis, sharing prayer requests and needs. I thank God for these wonderful and strong
women.
Recently, God has put it on my heart to be committed to pray for other
people who struggle with their health. I
see the overwhelming burden on people’s lives, and my heart aches for
them. I truly feel that somehow God
can help me to use my suffering to inspire and help others.
I know that my wellness journey
is far from over. Winter may not be
completely gone in my life, and I may still have some moments struggling in the
wilderness of my heart. In this moment, I am filled with gratitude as I praise
God for getting me through this. By
faith and through God’s great love and mercy, I have learned to endure the
winter. Now, I look forward to the
promises of spring!
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
To read more about testimonies of faith during times of tribulation, I
recommend reading the book Mercy in the Wilderness by Susan M.
Larson. This book has been a blessing
for me.
For more information about Lyme Disease, here is a pod cast interview with author, Brandilyn Collins:
Here is Brandilyn's website:
This Blog contains more resources and information about Lyme Disease and other Co-infections:
This is a Documentary about Lyme Disease:
http://underourskin.com/film/
http://underourskin.com/sequel/#sequel-home
Here is a clip from the TV Show, Dr. Phil, based on the Documentary Under Our Skin:
Here is a clip from the TV Show, Dr. Phil, based on the Documentary Under Our Skin:
