Sticks and Stones... when our words really hurt us

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."  Proverbs 18:21

THORNS

The consequence of living in a broken world is that each of us has that one thing in our life that we struggle with.  Some call it a habit, addiction, annoyance, or sin.  Paul called it a "thorn" in his flesh (2 Corinthians 12:7).  My "thorn" is twofold--I have the innate desire to please everyone no matter what the consequences are, and I was born with my foot in my mouth--whatever is on my mind spills out before I have a chance to think.  I have spent most of my life battling my insecurity over what people think of me and trying to get control over what I say.  In some ways, I have a transparency about me in which what you see is what you get, yet there is another side of me that wants to withhold information so that I won't hurt someone's feelings or create conflict.  Both sides can get me into trouble from time to time.  In further reflection, I have come to the conclusion that pride and insecurity are the root of most sin and destructive behavior. My type of pride is not as easily identifiable because it hides like a wolf in sheep clothing behind a false sense of humility.   The covert and deceptive nature of this type of pride can actually be more destructive than the more obvious kind.  

A CULTURAL CRISIS OF WORDS

The "thorn" of words is not just a personal issue for me as I believe it to be a cultural norm across multiple generations.  We have become an exceedingly self-absorbed, me first, hands-off society that replaces personal relationships with our electronic devices.  We trade in our desire to bring goodwill to others for a "victim" mentality and a sense of entitlement.  These relationship flaws become magnified by communicating through text messages, emails, and social media.  I see it time and time again on Facebook and Twitter when fingers start doing the talking and we have no filter in what we say.  We push to extremes and forget that our actions and words can't be taken back once they are out there.  In communicating our frustrations and hurts in this manner, it also can lead to misconceptions and irreversible hurt emotions.  I have experienced firsthand how harmful this type of communication can be.

WORDS THAT HURT

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly."  Proverbs 15:1-2

I had a very painful experience a while back that was fueled by a text message.  I honestly didn't want to share this experience because of its personal nature, but when the Lord gets after me on a subject to write about, I can't get it off my mind until it comes spilling out.  After praying about it, I felt that He wanted me to write about my experience so I knew I had to do it because the words were burning in my spirit.  Here it goes:  Last spring,  I was feeling on top of the world with excitement and joy for my daughter who was graduating because I was finally well enough to be a part of events involving her graduation/college plans.   I was also beaming with pride for her beauty and accomplishments.  It was a bittersweet time because I was grieving the fact that she was no longer a child, and I missed out on many opportunities to be a part of her life outside the home as a result of my longstanding chronic condition.  Around the time of my daughter's graduation, my teenage son was infected with Lyme disease which added a tremendous amount of strain and worry for me.

Several events surrounding my daughter's graduation, family health issues, having a family-owned business, and various other factors left me in a tailspin of stress, lack of sleep, and exhaustion.  When I was at my most exhausted and vulnerable point, I was slammed with a startling turn of events.  I don't want to go into the full details, but it involved the loss of a longstanding friendship through a freak incident that couldn't have happened by chance.  At my daughter's graduation, I made a hasty comment in response to a question from a family member about a very dear friend from my past.  As soon as I made the comment, I realized my mistake and cringed inwardly for speaking without thinking; however, I decided to forget that it happened because I couldn't take it back.  My comment got back to her through a text message by someone who overheard the conversation.  She lives several hundred miles away and has only met a few of my local family members briefly while visiting from out of state so it never crossed my mind that she would find out.   

 A few weeks later, it all blew up in my face.  The entire story came out with a few text messages and emails, and all I can say is that the scenario was blown out of proportion by both of us and turned into a monstrosity that took on a life of itself.  I was completely blind sighted by it, and I did not know what exactly happened except it was like the "gossip game" gone wrong.  At that time, I was going on very little sleep, my son was at his worst point in his Lyme battle, and I had no physical or emotional reserve--the perfect storm for disaster!  I was angry, hurt, and devastated.  My rational thinking seemed to be impaired by exhaustion and stress; however, after I was able to get some rest and take a closer look at the situation, I could finally see it for what it was.  For a time, I was very grieved and blamed myself.  I repetitively told myself that my sin had finally caught up with me as I realized how careless words and an impulsive response to someone's anger could lead to such a disastrous outcome.  It was too late to undo the damage, and I couldn't think of any way to fix it.

WORDS THAT HEAL

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I was of a loss of what to do next, so I distanced myself from the emotional side of the situation and started praying about it.   From a worldly standpoint, I could have focused on all the ways that I was wronged and come up with a pretty good case at being a "victim" of someone else's actions, but instead I chose to forgive and turn to God's guidance in how I should respond moving forward.  I spent 3 months camped in the book of Proverbs, reflecting on wisdom versus foolishness and how they play out in our words and actions.  The word that stood out the most for me was the word "heart."  Our attitudes, emotions, and words spill out of what is on our "hearts."   I began making lists of what the book of Proverbs say about our hearts and our words as well as wisdom, foolishness, pride, and humility. During that time, I had started an apology letter, initially trying to justify and/or explain my actions by sugarcoating it with Bible verses and meaningless Biblical rhetoric.  That wasn't going to cut it.  It seemed like God was calling me to the carpet.  Every time, I tried to either bring up my hurt or come up with an excuse for what happened, He gently reminded me to take the giant plank out of my own eye and face the music for what it was.  I had to address the fact that I indeed had a "heart" problem and I was the one who sinned in being careless with my words.  I knew that it wasn't just a one-time incident either.  My "foot in the mouth" habit was a problem I didn't know how to deal with.  I essentially needed to eat an enormous slice of humble pie in order to move forward.  

My husband and daughter both thought I was being too hard on myself and asked me to stop beating myself up.  They recognized that I was sincere in how I felt; however, they told me I needed a healthier perspective.  Although I wanted to change my habits, I had to accept a little grace as well.  It took me almost five months to write that letter before I felt like it was an honest reflection of my heart that expressed what needed to be said.  I wish that I could say that writing the letter magically fixed the situation, but life doesn't work that way and this story is far from being concluded.  The hardest part is waiting, healing, and trusting God.  Although I wish I could go back and change the outcome, I strongly believe there is a reason.  Something like this doesn't just happen by chance.  Maybe it was the only way that God could get my attention.  Maybe it was His way of giving me a character makeover.  I am certain that there is more reasons than I can see right now as to why and how it happened, but I know it is a part of the story of faith the Lord is writing on my heart and the hearts of the others who were involved in the incident.  I may not know the reason or outcome on this side of heaven; however, I must have faith that God is sovereign and that He has a divine plan that will totally come together and make sense to all of us one day.

THE LIVING WORD

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."  Psalm 51:10

It is funny how God speaks to us through so many venues.  During my process of discerning my actions through the lens of God's word, there were several sermons from our church that seemed to fit perfectly into where I was at wrestling through my faith.  This happened  last November when I was feeling grieved about my "thorns."  I came across a sermon from my pastor that gave me hope as it reflecting on Ephesians 4:17-22 which talks about the fact that we are a new creation under Christ.  I don't have to accept my old self anymore but just trust that Christ will work it out through me.  Does that mean that I suddenly stop sinning?  No way!  As soon as I feel too comfortable in my own skin,  I miss the entire point and can turn my perceived righteousness into a Pharisee sort of pride.  Putting the new self on, is a daily humble walk with God in which I recognize my "thorns" for what they are.  I must ask the Lord to help my unbelief and walk with me as I face both the beautiful and ugly aspects of my life.  Hopefully, in small incremental steps I can move forward and some day look back and see how changes were made in my character for the better.  For now, I am simply trying to accept me for who I am, a child of God.  As God continues to help me along, I am sure I will still need plenty of "gentle reminders" and a few "wake-up calls" here and there.

STICKS AND STONES (...picking up the pieces)

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefor I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  2 Corinthians 12:9

My personal struggles have provided opportunities to overcome some of my insecurities.  Out of my physical, financial, and relationship losses, I have given up certain expectations and learned to trust God.  When I lean on the Lord, He likes to build me up out of my greatest weakness and help me to move forward in my walk of faith.  Unfortunately, it is a lifelong process that doesn't change overnight.  When we are experiencing our weakest and most vulnerable moments, personal insecurities and unpleasant habits like to sneak up on us requiring a tremendous amount of grace and repentance on our part.  The old phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is false to the core.  Our words can bring on a life of its own and cause more damage than the deadliest weapon.  Thank the Lord, we have the "Word that Become Flesh" to restore our harmful words and actions.  God can turn around the ugliest situations for His purpose and glory.  

A Redemptive Melody : Aaron's Story

In Loving Memory of Aaron Bixler:  1995-2015

Four years ago, Pennie Bixler, founder and Leader of the Sammy's (Strength Among Many Ministry) shared on her Facebook timeline that her heart was burdened with a desire to spend the day in prayer, and she asked for specific prayer requests.  I asked for her to pray for a school friend, a war Veteran, who had just ended his life as result of a longstanding battle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Neither of us could have imagined that a week and a half later, Pennie's own beloved son, Aaron, would also give in to his battle with depression with similar tragic results.  News of Aaron's death rocked our church with sorrow and disbelief.   I didn't personally know Aaron, however, my spirit was deeply moved for the Bixler family as his sister, Bridgette, has been a friend and mentor to our teenage daughter, Annika.  There are just no words to adequately express such grief  in these circumstances.

When the Lord placed it on my heart to write about Aaron's story a year or two later, I felt humbled yet uncertain as to how I would go about this endeavor, as I felt absolutely unworthy to be entrusted with something so precious as this beautiful soul that was cherished by family and friends.  When I approached Pennie for an interview, she didn't hesitate and graciously agreed to share both her own testimony and the circumstances around her son's life and death.  I wrestled with this subject for a couple of years with a desire to give it justice, yet waiting for the Lord's prompting to put together this very personal account.  As much as I would like to tie the story together in a pretty package of victory and healing, it would be unfair to gloss over the sorrow that a family is experiencing as a result of such a tragic loss; as Pennie has shared with transparency over her personal struggle, it doesn't get easier over time.

THE BALLAD OF AARON BIXLER'S LIFE AND LEGACY

Aaron was born on October 15, 1995 to Mike and Pennie Bixler in Milwaukee, WI.  They gave birth to his younger sister and best friend, Bridgette, a little more than a year later.  The Bixler family moved to Hudson, WI from the Eau Claire area in 2005, and they have been actively involved in the Faith Community Church.  Aaron graduated from Hudson High School in 2014 and later attended the University of Wisconsin, La Crosse, where he majored in Computer Science.  Aaron could be described by his family as an introvert with wisdom beyond his years.  He was a shy and quiet young man, a very deep, logical thinker.  Aaron was most known for his big heart, love for Christ, and his enjoyment of outdoor activities such as hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, and exploring.

Aaron's mom, Pennie, frequently initiated a game to coax smiles and outbursts of laughter from her son, a game she most often would win with her "silly antics!" Pennie and Aaron often enjoyed going to the movies together.  Sometimes the movie they saw together seemed to be somewhat corny, like the time they went to see the movie "Warriors Way" and later joked that nothing could be as bad as "that movie."  To this day, Pennie celebrates Aaron's birthday by going to a movie that he would have liked, "It is my tradition."

Aaron and his sister, Bridgette, were very close.  Their friends referred to them as "Bix" and "Little Bix."  Bridgette truly admired and looked up to her big brother.  He loved traditions, and one of his favorite traditions was making his little sister's birthday special.  He would spend an "obscene amount of money" on a puzzle box that was difficult to open and put her birthday gift inside of it.  The last time they celebrated Bridgette's birthday was a few weeks before Aaron's death.  He insisted on placing relighting sparkler candles on her cake.  Aaron took great pleasure in teasing his sister.  Their relationship was very personable and special.

Aaron was beloved by friends and family alike.  His unique qualities of compassion, intelligence, and seriousness mingled with a bit of mischief and quirkiness were much enjoyed by all who knew him well!

THE REFRAIN OF AARON'S BATTLE WITH DEPRESSION

Aaron did have a dark side that most did not know about except perhaps a close friend or two.  His family did not realize the full depth of his battle with depression as they considered him to be a quiet, introverted kid, and he never shared his deepest feelings with them.  After Aaron's death, his parents asked to see his medical records which they did not have prior access because he was considered an adult.  Upon reading these records, they were shocked to discover that he had suicidal ideations since the age of nine.  Aaron was a very well behaved and compliant young man.  Pennie recalls, "He never drank or did drugs.  It made it more tragic in a way but also relieved some of the guilt."  The Bixlers were exceedingly sorrowful that they did not know that he was struggling with suicidal thoughts, "I wish I heard the word from his mouth.  We would have taken action in a heartbeat.  He would still be here, I promise you."

THE CANTICLE OF GRIEF

On the afternoon of Wednesday, April 8, 2015, Aaron, a college student UW La Crosse, showed up unexpectedly at the Bixler home with an excuse that he needed to pick something up for school.  Pennie recalls all  the small details of that last moment of seeing her son alive--loving exchanges, and telling him she loved him.  The next evening, they received a call that their abandoned truck was found at a local gun club.  No one can prepare someone for the confusion, shock, and despair Mike and Pennie experienced when they were called to the scene.  It was the most shocking moment of their lives, something you don't forget and are incapable of resolving on your own.

Pennie described her grief as a "wicked battle" involving  5 stages--"denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance."  She reported that she didn't go through them in the typical order--and skipped some stages all together-- which confused and frustrated some well-meaning friends and family members who wanted to help.  The Bixlers tried to work through their grief and anguish, finding that most self help books were not at all helpful.  She described most of them as "guilt inducing" as they primarily focused on identifying the signs of suicidal thoughts so the individual can get the help he or she needed, which didn't help their situation at all.  She found that "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis was the only book that spoke to their specific circumstances, even though it was not written for survivors of suicide at all.  Pennie recalls in dealing with her grief, "There were two topics I have struggled with and could not let go until I had answers.  I was confused about God's sovereignty and how I could 'suffer well' in light of this situation." For Pennie and her family, it came down to redemption.

THE CHORUS OF A REDEEMING VOICE

"If God is for us, who can be against us?  We who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charges against God's elect?  It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn?  Christ Jesus is the one who died--more than that who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  ... For, I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love God in Christ Jesus our Lord." --Romans 8:  31b-35a, 38-39.   

Redemption seemed at first to be an unusual word choice to describe the events surrounding Aaron Bixler's death; yet as I listened to a podcast of his memorial service on our church website, that was exactly the word that God pressed into the sermon pastor Tim Prince so beautifully and tactfully expressed as he reminded family and friends that Aaron's life was ultimately redeemed by the blood of Christ shed on the cross.  Nothing can change this reality just like nothing in all of creation could separate Aaron or his family from the love of God in Christ.

 Christ's redeeming love was the only song that could pierce through the insurmountable fog of sorrow and despair as Pennie describes, "If you don't have Jesus, you don't make it through things like that as a married couple.  You don't make it through sane.  You don't make it through without feeling sorry for yourself.  You don't make it through without being mad at God, bitter, withdrawn, giving up, and feeling suicidal yourself.  But Jesus has overcome the world and He has worked this to make me more Christ like for my own good."

The Bixlers fought hard through their confusion, pain, grief, and hurt to seek redemption.  In the process, they found themselves truly humbled and changed by these unthinkable events.  Pennie admits it doesn't make the pain or grief easier over time; however, they have a renewed perspective in how they look at life itself and they are less prideful because of it.  "If we allow Christ into our battles, He will fight with us and for us.  We are changed even when our situation doesn't."

Mike and Pennie Bixler had Proverbs 3:5-6 engraved on Aaron's tombstone, 

a verse that guided them to trust in Christ's redemption power and love for their precious son

SHARING THE SONG

Pennie is now a Biblical Counselor and works to use her own experiences to help others in despair.  She is troubled when people comment that teens who say the want to commit suicide are doing it to get attention as a means of manipulation, and she urges adults to always take those statements seriously as "it is better to be safe than sorry."  When Pennie counsels those who are struggling with grief, despair, and suicidal thoughts, she encourages them to speak scripture out loud which is a powerful tool.  She has five steps that she gives counselees who describe having suicidal thoughts, asking them to promise to follow them whenever these thoughts arise.

Step 1:  Cry out to God and verbally ask him to help you overcome the desire to harm yourself.  Say out loud, "1 John 4:4 tells me I am God's child so the enemy will not win the fight because 'He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.'"

Step 2:  Recite OUT LOUD Psalm 116:5-9, "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; our God is merciful.  The Lord preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me.  Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.  For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living." 

Step 3:  Connect with at least one of three people who care about you (she will make a list of names for her counselee to get in touch with).

Step 4:  If you are suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or the National Hopeline Network for help (numbers listed below).

Step 5:  If you still feel suicidal, have somebody take you to the hospital or call 911 and tell the operator you are suicidal and in danger if no one is around to take you.

Pennie urges individuals who battle suicidal thoughts to follow all these five steps, and she can testify that these steps do save lives and have greatly helped some of her most vulnerable counselees when battling suicidal ideation.  Her mission is to help as many people as possible to avoid the same outcome as her son.  With Christ's help and the right resources, there is hope.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."  Psalm 40:2

RESOURCES 

If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts please contact these hotlines which are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week:

National Suicidal Prevention Lifeline:  http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

National Hopeline Network:  https://www.imalive.org/
1-800-78-SUICIDE (1-800-748-2433)

For more information about Christ's redeeming love that surpasses death, you can listen to the Eulogy given by Pastor Tim Prince at Aaron's funeral:  https://www.fcchudson.com/sermons/aaron-bixler-memorial-service

For more information about Pennie's personal testimony and the Sammy's ministry you can read my other blog article:  http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2018/05/pennies-song-part-1-fragmented-and.html