The Bully Letters: from Broken Places to Redeeming Graces

A LETTER TO MY CHILDHOOD SELF

To the shy gangly ten-year-old girl who stepped out on the playground one fall morning, and a group of kids from your 5th grade class cornered you by the monkey bars.  One of them called out, "Hey Nutter, I hear you like nuts!"  Not quite understanding the meaning behind their derogatory remarks, you made a feeble attempt to defend yourself through their childish game of chanting and name calling.  Although you shrugged it off, a small piece of your innocence died that day.

In the years that followed, you tasted the bitter lesson that children are cruel and have little regard for your feelings as they elbowed each other and jeered at you with taunts and laughs.  They assaulted your beauty and intelligence with ugly names.  Their words followed you until you wished you could fade into the cracks of the invisible to disappear from their disheartening words.  Most of your teachers would turn a blind eye, and the one or two who tried to intervene only fanned the flame of cruelty to your shattered image.  

My beloved child, I wish that you could have seen yourself through the eyes of your Creator as the beautiful and precious girl you were.  I would have liked to have told you that it would be OK because it would or that in the end it wouldn't matter because it doesn't; but you will come to understand that words have power as they weigh you down and follow you.  You will have wasted too much of your life questioning yourself and pushing people away, a facade to protect those old wounds from reopening.  But God is bigger than the cruelty of childhood taunts and scars hidden away in shame like bitter secrets that don't seem to escape. God has a beautiful purpose for your pain and these damaging experiences will build you into something strong and glorious for His divine plan.  As you eventually reopen these wounds to allow the healing to begin, you will open your heart to His love and identify yourself to the One Who was mocked and beaten for your soul.  God wrote these haunting words on the book of your life, and transformed it into His beauty.

A LETTER TO THE BOY

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."  1 Corinthians 13:12

To the bold and vivacious twelve-year-old boy who seemed to delight in my misery as you gathered your friends to call me "ugly", "stupid", "reject", "space cadet"... the words like fire into my veins until I could scarcely keep it all in.  One day in 6th grade gym class, you threw a basketball at me, hitting me like a load of bricks in the gut.  With breathless agony, I looked up at you, tears filling my blue-gray eyes, and I said to you, "I wish I was dead."  You looked at me with a jaunty stare and laughed.  At that moment, I realized that I believed all the disparaging things you and your friends called me, and I despised myself.  I longed to escape the ugly truth of the horror my life had become, and if I could I would have ended it all right then and there.  Our encounter generated a tormenting crisis of identity built on shattered images of self, loathing, and despair.  Did you know how your teasing pierced my soul and tore me apart inside?  Would you have cared if you understood the internal damage your words wounded?

Decades later, I would finally seek true healing in the bloody wounds for the One Who died to love.  Decades later, I received the news that you chose the path of pain and ended your life, and the truth once again hit me in the gut that my breath would be lost in regret for your sorrows.  What kind of pain did you know child?  What bitter lessons burst through your veins like scars and broken dreams?  If only we could turn back time and I could have lifted up the mirror for you to see the image before you of the One Who made you in His likeness, Who longed to write your name on His scars with "Not guilty, Forgiven, and Set Free"-- for the incredible creation He designed in your mother's womb because He loved you deeply and wholly just as you were, His beloved child.

A LETTER TO THE BULLIES

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits."  Proverbs 18:21

To the nameless faces, the children and teens who seemed to build themselves up in tearing others down.  Your heedless words and careless remarks that chased me and followed me into adulthood were like poison, arrows to assault my self-esteem.  Could you imagine the searing lead behind your words or the damage they created?  My guess is that you grew up and matured from these childish pursuits and probably don't remember any of the pain they evoked.  Would it do anyone justice to hang on to these distorted images, to seek revenge, or to keep these bitter memories?  No.  Just as it would be futile to blame you or these experiences, what benefit is it for me hold onto them like a dagger to pierce the ignited fuel for hate?  The best gift I could give is those simple words, "I forgive you."  Not that forgiveness means forgetting or that it necessarily eases the pain of the memories.  But forgiveness is the anecdote for healing balm to sooth old wounds.  Forgiveness releases me from the shackles I have set myself to your words and heals the soul in stages of mercies.  Forgiveness releases you to your own path in which we will all someday be called to hold account for our words and actions.  Who am I to hold onto my judgement?  We all sin.  We all hurt others at some point.  We can only hold ourselves accountable, and when we are released from these burdens we build a solid foundation for something greater and more glorious than we could ever dream of.  That is the miracle of grace and redemption. 

A LETTER TO MY PARENTS


To the two people who loved your awkward daughter unconditionally, who never failed to tell me that you loved me.  You were role models for diligence, compassion, and forgiveness.  The heartache you must have felt in all those lost nights of sleep, for fear and worry for your hurting child.   You looked from the sidelines, helpless for the bitter lessons a child must carry through to grow and survive this fallen world of cruel words and harsh realities.  You stayed up with me when grief and fear consumed me, offering words of consolation and cups of hot cocoa.  You felt the pain of rejection when I shut you out and refused to unveil my wounds. Forgive me if I never stopped to say thank you for loving me and caring enough to see me through my teens. Sometimes I think you blamed yourselves and wondered what you could have done differently.  I know you would have done anything to spare me these sorrows, but for what others "meant for evil against me, God meant it for good." (Genesis 5:20)  God's reasons may not make sense to us but His story was written in the novel of these pages of heartache.  He takes our tribulations and passes them through fire to create something beautiful in His image.  He smites His beloved, and He had an incredible plan for all of us to come out of these broken places for His glory and grace.   His paradox for pain is our hope for crucified wholeness.


A LETTER TO FUTURE GENERATIONS

"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."  Colossians 4:6

To our children and the future generations that taste the bitter realities of facing their own "bullies."   Life isn't easy or fair, but we are never alone.  May the stories of redemption from our heartaches shine a light for you to see a glimpse of the image that God gives you for His fulfilled promises.  May you know He loves you with a passion that is like an unquenchable fire.  May you see yourself through His holy lens, that you are beautiful and perfect, the apple of His eye.  His Son redeemed you for His unconditional love so that you could taste a little eternity on earth.  Know that your value holds no bounds, and the thoughtless words of others will not hold a candle to the vastness of God's words to love and bind you to His grace.  To the incredible, smart, and articulate generation of youth.  You are above the petty, the ugly, and the hate.  You can make it.  Just hold on and hold fast to your faith, and God will see you through.

To those whose insecurity fuels your cruel words to sting and despair the seemingly weak and unsettled.  I pray that you find your redemption, that you would come to understand the power behind your damaging words and the consequences that follow.  You are also beloved in His sight, so turn to Him and He will expose the light to expel the ugly and distribute the grace that abounds for open hearts.  Sufficient grace can turn your anger and hate into beautiful redeeming love.  

FROM BROKEN PLACES TO REDEEMING GRACES

Today, our culture has raised more awareness than ever before about the consequences of bullying.  With nation-wide anti-bullying campaigns, we would think that our schools would overflow with peace and harmony.  So why do we see such tremendous demonstrations of division, bitterness, and violence fill our streets and rage our schools?  Why is suicide among our teens on the rise? Are we building a broken society with a broken generation marred by broken identities and families torn apart?  How do we bridge the gap that is shredding the fabric of our culture?   The only hope to bind these broken places is found in the wounds of God's redeeming graces.  As parents, our battle for grace starts on our knees as we plead for this generation and for a culture disfigured by cruelty and hate.  "What is impossible with man is possible with God" (Luke 18:27)  Just as God redeemed my battle scars for good, He can redeem this generation by His steadfast love and abounding grace.  May we be a gift of love for a hurting child, and by one loving sacrificial act at a time, we can pay it forward for God's fresh mercies.  Let us bring out a generation for hope and redemption built on love and truth as we allow God's light to shine through and create something new.

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."  1 Peter 4:8



For more about my perspective on bullying and healing through distorted teenage identities, you can read my commentaries on some of the poetry I wrote in my teens about these experiences.

http://dzehm2.blogspot.com/2017/02/the-ghosts-of-winter-melody.html

http://dzehm2.blogspot.com/2017/02/take-courage.html

Never Enough... to satisfy the cravings of the soul

THE LETTER

"As the deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God."  Psalm 42:1-2

One chilly afternoon, I stood in our kitchen holding the envelope my youngest son delivered from the mailbox.  I was trembling with anticipation and overwhelmed emotions as I ran to my bedroom to privately read the news.  The contents of that letter held what seemed like the very future for me and our family.  My concerned teenage daughter raced after me to find out what was wrong.  My shaking hands opened up the letter, sobs of relief pouring from me as I cried on her shoulder. All my worry and heartache were summed up in those pages, and it was finally over!  But was it?  The letter that suggested a favorable outcome indicated another wait was in store for us. "I can wait a while longer," I told myself.  By then, I felt like an expert at waiting.  I would continue dragging through the days bracing against the mounting tension that would be relieved with the final confirmation.  We didn't know what exactly to expect or how long we had to wait, but waiting we would do.   My heart beat the pace of expectation that very soon our prayers would be answered, and I could rest easy in the outcome.  

Two months later, I was sitting in the garden, breaking up the soil, and pouring my soul out in the stillness of quiet sunbathed labor.  I looked up from my dusky hands to see my husband holding another piece of mail, the outcome that held the answer to several excruciating years of prayers. Family members and friends had been rallying for us in this desert season.  Now it seemed like the rain had finally arrived.  My countless restless nights with a heavy heart were coming to an end. I anticipated this outcome to be the event that would provide stability to lift me up on solid ground.  I imagined the very moment that I would be praising God, my spirit dancing for joy.  But, when he opened the envelope and showed me its contents, I experienced an unexpected emptiness in my spirit, a dull ache that wanted to ask for more.  My mind began to run amuck with "what ifs", listing all the other needs we had.  At that very moment, I was startled with the stark realization that it wasn't enough.  It would never be enough.  

THE MEDAL

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water."  Psalm 63:1

On a sweltering August day, my husband and I stood before our flat screen television to watch one of the medal ceremonies for the 2016 Summer Olympics.  When we witnessed the legendary swimmer Michael Phelps receive yet another gold medal, my heart swelled with pride for America.   My thoughts were mingled with joy and sadness for the talented Olympian when unexpectedly the words came out, "I feel sorry for Michael Phelps."  My husband turned and looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, "How so?" It must have sounded strange.  Michael Phelps was the most decorated Olympian ever, an exceptional swimmer of epic proportions that no other athlete could touch.  Who was I, an unassuming and physically weak person, the complete opposite of this legendary icon, to say such an outrageous thing?

Just the day before, I watched an interview with Phelps, describing his battle with depression and substance abuse.  He openly shared his story, expressing his loss of identity when he entered into some of the darkest places of his life.  Later that day, in another interview, Phelps told reporters that he had been able to overcome his personal battle.  With a newborn son and a gorgeous fiance, his life had purpose and meaning.  I saw Michael Phelps's success as an outstanding Olympic swimmer and his desire to enjoy a satisfying future with both his wife and son as commendable objectives to achieve. I sincerely wanted him to experience contentment in his life, but would it be enough?

The truth is that as long as we look to success, status, and relationships for our happiness, we will end up feeling dry and empty inside.  When the spotlight is over, what is next?  It is human nature that our loved ones, our children, and our friends will eventually disappoint us and let us down.  When we look to worldly and temporary things for satisfaction, we will be left thirsty for something sustainable.  Worldly cravings will never be fully satisfied.  It is never enough.

THE HEALING

"I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands.  I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land."  Psalm 143:5-6

A couple of years ago, I was sitting at Faith Community Church listening to Pastor Porter preach on Mark 2:1-12.  I imagined the setting of this scripture as a crowded room stuffed with thirsty souls seeking the hope of healing and the redemption of a downtrodden people.  These souls were looking eagerly to this humble Man they didn't understand.  The outskirts of this biblical scene of captive eagerness was contrasted with the aloof disdain of the elite, too blind by their statutes and desire for status to see the glory of the God Man before them.  Outside this chaotic room, a paralyzed man beaten by the unfairness of his life was left an outcast in the dusty dry heat.  Looking for another way in, the man's faithful friends hoisted his weary body to the roof of the building and lowered him down before the Redeemer of Life, anticipating that He would heal this desperate man with His gentle and kind hands.

Astonishingly, things did not go as anyone expected as Jesus looked upon the man and said to him, "Son, your sins are forgiven."  (Mark 2:5) The scribes and Pharisees must have gasped in horror as they grumbled to themselves, "Why does this man speak like that?  He is blaspheming!  Who can forgive sins but God alone?"  (Mark 2:7)  Perceiving their troubled thoughts, Jesus looked to the scribes and asked them "Why do you question these things in your hearts?  Which is easier to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, take your bed, and walk'?  But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins" (He said to the man who was paralyzed) "I say to you, rise, pick up your bed, and go home." (Mark 2:9-11) With his legs restored and his spirit overflowing with an elation that glorified God, the man was healed!  The air in that place must have been electrified with astonishment and wonder as the throng pondered over what they just witnessed, their minds whirling with unanswered questions.  Who is this Man and why did He tell the lame man his sins were forgiven instead of just outright healing him?

Pastor Porter pointed out that Christ, the Author of Life, perceived beyond the physical element of this broken man to penetrate the depths of his soul.  If Jesus only healed the physical self without addressing the deeper substance of his heart, would it have been enough or would the man be thirsty for more?  Would it be enough?  I sat in my chair breathless at the thought, pondering my own broken body.  Did I dare ask for healing again when it seemed like I hit one road block after another?  Why was Christ silent to my requests?  Why didn't He say to me, "Darcee, rise up and be healed!"?  Perhaps He was digging into the unseen, the ugly and sinful places found in the recesses of my heart.  Maybe He reached deep into my soul and saw something I couldn't.  Would I be satisfied if I was healed?  Would it be enough?  Could I trust in God's sovereignty to show me something greater than what my human nature craved so that He could teach me glorious things?  Maybe He saw a thirst in me that would not be fully quenched if I were to get my way.  Perhaps healing at that moment would not be enough.

THE BREAD

"Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life.  Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.'" John 6:35

Two thousand years ago, the Messiah stood before the crowds in a desolate place, weary from the road of suffering and needing solitude to refresh His spirit.  Ignoring His own discomfort, the Lord pushed aside His needs with humble compassion for a multitude of lost humanity hungry for something they could not attain in their world of darkness and oppression.  He recognized not only their physical appetite for bread but their spiritual hunger for grace.  Imagine the bewilderment of His apostles when He commanded them to feed this unexpected dinner party of five thousand.  Five loaves of bread and two fish would never be enough!   "Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing.  Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds.  And they all ate and were satisfied."  (Matthew 14:13-21)  

Later on the crowds came to Jesus seeking more of His miracle bread; their minds were unable to conceive the depth of their true hunger.  Calling them out for their motives Jesus told them, "Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.  For on him God the Father has set his seal."  (John 6:27)  In ancient times, God gave His people the manna bread from heaven and now Jesus was offering the ravenous crowds the "true bread from heaven" when He announced, "For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world." (John 6:33)  Jesus declared Himself the "Bread of Life", "For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life."  (John 6:40)  Their supernatural Bread stood before them willing to redeem, heal, restore, and satisfy them; however, they were not ready to be filled with the very Life that would ease their hunger.

It seems like I have spent most of my life stuffing my time with activities to occupy my mind, whether it be books, journals, television, movies, music, or games--anything for a diversion.  I have been restless with an innate hunger to fill myself to the brim as if to crowd out the intangible, avoiding something that was disquieting and insatiable.  Maybe I was emotionally fleeing from my past or drowning out the still small voice that was whispering for redemption.  How is it that when we fill our lives up, the more hollow we become?  Filled to emptiness, we miss out on that which can truly satisfy, the beautiful body of Christ offered freely to us by His gospel.  It is so simple yet how quickly we forget and miss it all together.  Our humanness can be blind to the Glory right in front of us, the Peace that surpasses understanding and is calling us to be set free from the chains of hollow distraction so that we can be filled by His unconditional love.  Without the "Bread of Life" it is never enough.

THE PROMISE

"Then he said to me, 'It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost.'"  Revelation 22:13

How many times are we consumed with the words "if only?"  If only, I would get that promotion.  If only we would break free from our debts.  If only I could lose 20 pounds.  If only our child would come back to us.  If only I would be healed.  The world offers us the game changers-- those unobtainable aspirations built on a facade of fruitless hopes and empty dreams that are never enough to satisfy the cravings of the soul.

Christ offered Himself up as the contradiction for a new game changer, the bleeding hope that resurrects itself from grave of sorrow to harvest the unexpected glory that offers a lasting promise of eternal satisfaction.  Out of death springs beautiful glorious life.  "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."  (John 12:24)  All the Lord asks of us is to have the courage to love Him first so that when we let go of our worldly hunger and die to self, we can obtain the true "Bread of Life" that will produce a beautiful harvest that transforms our "light and momentary afflictions" into glorious spiritual fruit "preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond comparison."  (2 Corinthians 4:18)

Do I have the courage to quiet the diversions and be still my soul before the promised springs of living water for the things that are unseen and eternal?  Can I trust the Lord to fill those empty voids, cleaning out the cobwebs of my sorrows and pressing His wounds into my fractured dry soul thirsty for His fulfilled promises?  By the grace of God, fill me up daily with these promises that I will be satisfied and complete in Him.  He is enough!

"And let the one who hears say, 'Come.' And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price."  Revelation 22:17