Kelly's Hope Part Three: Bridging the Gap

                                            Kelly Peterson  1961-2013

"My heart and flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever."  Psalm 73:26

A DETOUR AND A MISSION

Kelly Peterson was a bold yet humble Christian woman who spent her life serving others and living in obedience to God's perfect plan.   Kelly's journey took a detour for the last 3 years of her life as she battled cancer, choosing alternative therapies over conventional medicine.  She saw her cancer as a part of a greater plan directed by God and used her experience to minister to the needs of others battling with cancer and other chronic illnesses.   At one point, Kelly had shared with her family that she felt she could have been more open to asking for and receiving help from others.  She initially didn't see the benefit of openly sharing her cancer story; however, as her cancer progressed, Kelly and her family decided to inform the public about her situation.  Kelly received a considerable amount of encouragement and support from family, friends, and the church.  In the spring of 2013, Kelly's family and friends coordinated a benefit to help pay for her medical expenses.  Local businesses and individuals from the community also provided a tremendous amount of financial support.  She was amazed and overwhelmed by the emotional and monetary support provided by so many people.

Kelly saw a need to educate others on how to come alongside individuals suffering from cancer and chronic illness.  She had an incredible support system throughout her cancer journey; however, she also received overwhelming scorn and judgment from those who disagreed with her decision to use alternative healthcare to treat her cancer.  She also witnessed the loneliness and isolation of others with similar experiences.  Instead of feeling sorry for herself or holding on to any resentment towards others, Kelly let it go to God and trusted His guidance to use her situation as an opportunity to help others.

TAKING ACTON:  NOTES FOR KELLY'S BOOK

"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works?  Can that faith save him?  If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed, and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body what good is that?  So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."  James 2: 14-17.

Kelly decided to use her insights to take action and instigate change.  In the last 2 years of her life, she took notes for a book she planned to one day write.  Her goal was to guide individuals with family/friends who have cancer or a chronic illness and use alternative therapies to treat their conditions.  She also wanted to educate the church body on how to better assist and care for these individuals.  Kelly was hesitant to share her own story in the book as she wanted to give God all the glory. Some of the questions that Kelly hoped to answer in her book included the following:  "How could family and friends have helped you"? "What did people do that was helpful and an encouragement to you?"; "What were some of the things that were not helpful or were discouraging to you"?; "How did you pay for your treatments/protocols?"; and "Were there any mistakes you felt you made?"

 Although Kelly did not have the opportunity to complete her book, she did put together a comprehensive list of the insights that she discovered during her journey.  Kelly's husband, Jim, recently found her notes and gave them to her daughter, Cori, to review and organize.  It has been their strong desire and goal to share these notes with the public in order to raise awareness about individual needs and to improve the quality of life for those facing these struggles.  The following information was derived directly from Kelly's notes and personal observations.    

HOW TO HELP AND ENCOURAGE THOSE WITH CANCER/CHRONIC ILLNESS

Kelly was personally encouraged by the various acts of kindness provided by family, friends, and individuals from her church.  She appreciated it when they made themselves available to listen to her and when they asked her genuine heartfelt questions about what she was going through and about her alternative therapies.  She enjoyed spending quality time with those who truly cared about her well-being.  Kelly's daughter, Cori, recalled Kelly especially appreciating it when people sent her flowers, notes, and cards for encouragement; provided her with pedicures and massages; cleaned her house and did specific chores she was unable to do; offered her rides for appointments; coordinated meals for Kelly and her family; and put together a worship playlist for her iPod to refresh her heart, soul, and mind.  Kelly wrote down this specific list of things people could do to help those with cancer/chronic illness:

• Call periodically and ask them how they are doing
• Pray with them in person and on the phone
• Send cards with notes and prayers of encouragement
• Send unexpected flowers to brighten their day
• Show them genuine interest in their treatments/protocols by listening and asking SPECIFIC questions
• Offer to do some research online for them
• Read some of the books they are reading with them
• Go to appointments with them and/or drive them there if they are not physically able to drive on their own
• If you live near the person, ask them, "Would it be helpful if I texted you before I run errands so that I can pick something up for you?"
• If they are housebound, offer to run errands, grocery shop, take their kids shopping, etc.
• Offer to do some chores and clean for them so they can rest, i.e. vacuum, laundry, cook meals, clean bathrooms/kitchen, etc.
• Offer to help "declutter" their homes, work on the computer for them, or assist with other household tasks
• Offer to take their kids out for the day or weekend-- the situation can be very stressful and upsetting for the children
• Offer to do seasonal outdoor chores, i.e. plant flowers, weed garden, mow lawn, shovel driveway, rake leaves, wash windows, clean gutters, etc.
• Put together a support team for them
• Organize a phone chain where people are calling regularly to check on them
• Coordinate the regular delivery of meals for them and their family (ask about specific diet restrictions) 
• Coordinate a schedule of individuals to help with daily chores/house cleaning, rides to appointments, and other needs
• Assist in putting together a schedule of daily protocols for alternative therapies
• Get them a massage (great for the lymph system) or offer to take them out to see a comedy show (laughter is good medicine!)
• If you live in the same household, adopt a healthier/similar diet 
• Help reduce any unnecessary stress in their lives, i.e. relational/family, work-related, household clutter, etc.
• Sympathize and be understanding of where they may be at or may be feeling (mourn with those who mourn)
• While it IS good to ask them how they are doing, don't let that be all you ask them
• Tenderly, tactfully, and timely speak hope into their hearts and minds
• Rejoice with them in their small victories
• Remember that they are sick and trying to fight a disease/condition, even if they may not LOOK like it

WHAT THE LOCAL CHURCH CAN DO TO HELP

The church was a significant part of Kelly's support system; however, she observed that individuals in the church sometimes were unaware or unsure how to assist those with cancer/chronic illness.  The following is a list of ways Kelly believed the church could come along side these individuals:

• Arrange for elders in the church to pray with them and anoint them with oil
• Coordinate individuals to call and/or come to their homes to pray with them on a consistent basis
• Call and check on them regularly
• Post specific needs on a website or email
• Coordinate financial assistance, offerings, donations, etc.
• If they are unable to physically leave their homes, offer to bring "church" to them by singing worship songs with them, studying the Bible together, etc., as they may be yearning for the fellowship and spiritual connection that occurs in corporate worship

HOW TO ASSIST INDIVIDUALS FINANCIALLY

Kelly felt extremely blessed by the monetary support of those who assisted her in paying for  alternative therapies and put together a fundraiser to help pay for her medical expenses.  Both conventional medicine and alternative healthcare can become financially taxing for individuals with cancer/chronic illness, especially when they are no longer able to work or have lost their jobs because of their physical conditions.  Insurance companies will not pay for alternative healthcare treatments and therapies.  Supplements can become very expensive and may cost up to thousands of dollars each month.   Cancer/chronically ill patients are often put on special diets requiring certain healthy and/or organic foods.  These foods can become costly as well, especially when the patients are required to juice several times a day with organic fruits and vegetables.   Kelly noted the following ways to financially assist these individuals:

• Coordinate a fundraiser to offset medical costs, treatments, and therapies
• Ask what therapies they are doing and if you can pick something up or help pay for it
• Offer to pay for one supplement each month
• Offer to buy a piece of at-home medical equipment or device/treatment
• Deliver organic groceries to them 
• Offer to purchase a book they have expressed a desire to read in order to learn more about their disease or condition

WHAT IS NOT BENEFICIAL OR HELPFUL

Kelly was discouraged by friends who disagreed with her decision to decline conventional treatment, and some of them reduced/stopped contact and involvement in her life.  She would have liked them to ask more questions about what she was going through; however, they seemed more concerned about what they thought was best for her cancer.  It was also very stressful for Kelly when a few individuals who forgot that she was sick and weak had demanded too much of her time which compiled unnecessary chaos in her life.  Kelly also observed the relational struggles that other individuals experienced in their own daily battles, and she wanted to tactfully bring these issues to light.  These were the notes she wrote about what NOT to say and do:

• Telling them that the treatments/therapies they are doing are "snake oil" or "from Satan"
• Telling them, "If it were me, I would be at the doctor"
• Telling them, "Please let me know how I can help"-- while you may think this is helpful, it is not because #1) It is very hard for anyone to ask for help and #2) They have so much going on they do not have the time or energy to think of ways you can help and sometimes they are just trying to make it through the day-- Instead ask and offer to help with very specific things, i.e. "Can I bring you dinner Tuesday night?" "Can I take your kids once a week?"  "Can I mow your lawn?", "Can I help you do some research?", etc.
• Telling them you want to come over and pray with them and then not follow through-- it may seem like a minor thing to you; however, they can be experiencing loneliness and isolation, and personal fellowship/prayer is very significant to them
• Don't question if they really have the illness or not
• When they have good news to share with you about any progress no matter how small, don't reiterate your disagreement with their healthcare choices, ignore them, seem unresponsive, or act like it isn't a big deal 
• Don't go to your primary physician and tell them about your friend with cancer/chronic illness and then tell that person what your physician says they should do as the doctor does not know the details about the situation
• Don't talk negatively about them behind their backs, stating what you would be doing in their situation
• Don't give them excessive advice unless asked, just LISTEN to them
• Don't avoid the "cancer" subject unless the cancer patient asks you to
• Don't tell them of all the people you know who have cancer or have died from cancer--this is NOT helpful and doesn't show that you are interested in them or what you are going through
• Don't tell them they are strong and are a fighter because God is the only one who is strong for them and the one who is fighting for them-- They cannot do this alone!

BRIDGING THE GAP

"Now if anyone builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw--each one's work will become manifest, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done."  1 Corinthians 3:13

Kelly's mission was to educate and enlighten the public about the individual needs and struggles of those with cancer/chronic illness.  She did not want to criticize or tear down those who have made mistakes in handling these situations.   She believed strongly in God's grace and His mercies that are new each morning.  If you have engaged in insensitive or unhelpful comments towards others with cancer/chronic illness, Kelly would not have wanted you to dwell on it or blame yourself.  She would have encouraged you to bring it to God and to learn from the situation.   God's grace is enough to bridge the gap and heal relationships.  Kelly's mission was to share God's incredible power to heal, forgive, and bring people together.  My prayer is that this information will enlighten and better equip many in order to encourage them to take the necessary steps to come alongside and help someone in need.  That is what family, friendship, and the church is about.

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."  Hebrews 10:24-25


For more information about Kelly's life, legacy, and cancer journey--go to Kelly's Hope Part 1 & 2:

http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2014/05/kellys-hope-womans-life-legacy-and.html


http://dzehm.blogspot.com/2014/06/kellys-hope-part-two-building-on-legacy.html